


Tunnel Vision

by johnwick



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Fluff, M/M, Romance, Slice of Life, Slow Burn, Slow Romance, Smut, Social Anxiety
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-14
Updated: 2017-03-14
Packaged: 2018-10-04 23:36:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 32,714
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10292546
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/johnwick/pseuds/johnwick
Summary: I look around and everything I see is beautiful 'cos all I see is you.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> this is the fic I wrote for the love of my life aka Lucy (lucyppa) over at forkadionly's fic exchange. if you haven't read any of the fics there, be sure to check them out! they're amazing!! also crossposted on my aff (tedcruz). enjoy x

 

 **December 2016**  
  
A muted whirring accompanies the projection on his screen. The film has an inkiness to it, as if the video has been recorded decades ago. Amateur home footage from the early 80s perhaps? It wasn’t. A filter delicately overlays the video, making it seem dated.  
  
Several seemingly unrelated scenes bleed into each other, abrupt yet glib. He watches, wistful of the withering leaves devoured by a flame. The scene fades into a pair of feet playfully poking at dewy blades of grass. It cuts again to hands sifting through grains of sand, tumultuous in their descent. And then, black.  
  
The next scene lasts no longer than five seconds, but to him, it feels like a lifetime. There is a figure of a person, silhouetted against the warmth of a crimson sunset, their limbs stretched out in practiced precision to a silent beat. The figure is but a shadow, moving in and out of itself with no distinctive features for him to see. And yet, he already knew who it was.   
  
It ends with the figure in a final pose, arms aiding their leg to remain outstretched in an impossible angle with so much grace. Then it cuts to black once again.  
  
_Is it recording? Do I say it now?_  
  
He’s had his breath held up until this moment. Letting it out in a soft sigh, he watches the blackness recede into the corners, slowly revealing a smiling man – no, a boy. He was youthful, his eyes pulled by his laugh, his messy fringe falling just below his brow bone. It all made him appear even younger. There’s people running around behind him, but Kyungsoo hardly sees them.  
  
_Hi, my name is Jongin…_  
  
Another laugh.  
  
His breath hitches. He was sure that sentence was carved onto every surface of his memory. By now, he feels like he’s heard that line enough times to see it being uttered behind his closed eyelids. By now, he can  _feel_  the soft edges of his lips curve around the syllables in the gentlest of smiles, the boy’s wrinkled eyes matching his sun-bright grin. He drowns in that smile.  
  
“Are you trying to be artsy again, Kyungsoo?”  
  
He is – very rudely – interrupted by a – very annoying – voice. He can’t stop, or _attempt_ to stop the roll of his eyes that follow any occasion of Byun Baekhyun’s appearance. It’s second nature to him. He pauses the video, the boy’s mouth open mid-sentence.   
  
“I don’t see  _you_  working hard all night B,” Kyungsoo retorts, scoffing at his skinny friend resting his entire body in his entire workspace. He has no time to deal with Byun Baekhyun.  
  
“First of all, it’s like,” he glances at his bare wrist, “barely lunchtime, you actual loser. And mmm, that’s probably because I have a life?”  
  
“’Fuck out of my studio Byun.” He has no time to deal with this monster.  
  
“Studio? Wow Kyungsoo, could you get anymore pretentious?” Kyungsoo grimaces at his friend’s poor grammar, and at the popping sound he seems to make every time he spoke, as if he was constantly chewing on something. Truth be told, he probably was. Kyungsoo doesn’t bother looking at his mouth to find out; he doesn’t want to taste last night’s dinner again.  
  
Baekhyun gives his screen a pointed look. “Whatchu working on?”  
  
“Nothing of importance.”  
  
“Is it for the website?  
  
“Sure.” He is very offhanded in his response. Kyungsoo would very much like to be left in peace.  
  
“I mean, if it’s just for the college website dude, it doesn't need to look so…”  
  
Kyungsoo sighs. “So what?”  
  
“Well no offence, but it kind of looks like vintage porn.”  
  
Kyungsoo rolls his eyes again, this time a conscious effort. Looking back at the frozen image on his computer, he stares at the the boy who seems embarrassed at having to talk about himself on screen, with his two front teeth poking out from behind pink lips, the button nose that’s scrunched up with his laugh lines, and the hand taming the disheveled hair that’s dancing with the breeze. His other hand is off screen. Kyungsoo thinks it’s probably wrapped around his heart.  
  
Porn? Well, not in the conventional sense, but he thinks Baekhyun might have a point.  
  
He stares a moment too long.  
  
“Kim Jongin huh? Do you have the hots for him? Is that what  _this_ ,” he raises his head in the direction of his screen, “is?”  
  
“Baekhyun whenever you speak I want to punch myself in the face,” Kyungsoo says, no real venom in his words. He adds as an afterthought, “it’ll probably feel the same.”  
  
He is ignored in favour of the worktable adjacent to his, to which Baekhyun’s attention is solely focused on. He attempts getting his body to plop atop it without falling – and succeeding, to Kyungsoo’s misfortune. Once he’s steadied, he hums knowingly at Kyungsoo. “I don’t want to die tonight so I’m not going to tease you just yet.” Kyungsoo opens his mouth to retort but he is cut off with a huff, “I’ll save that for later. I do have a reason for being here though.”  
  
There’s that popping sound again. It was very distracting.  _I don't think he’s ever learned any manners_ , Kyungsoo muses. He debates drowning him out in favour of getting back to ‘work’, but Baekhyun rarely fibs so he weighs his options. His sigh is soft, but no longer exasperated – _better get this over with_.   
  
“Yeah, alright B. What is it?”  
  
Kyungsoo sees the playfulness in his feet as they  _swish!_  back and forth casually. He awaits the news with a raised eyebrow and thinly concealed impatience.  
  
“Okay, well. I guess there’s no sugar-coating this.”  
  
“Just spit it out.”  
  
“They’re planning to kick you off the film club.”  
  
He’s shocked for only half a second. His eyebrow arches higher. “Who are ‘they’? I’m president of the film club.”  
  
“Yeah okay maybe not ‘kicking you out’ but, people are starting to complain, Soo.” He looks almost imploring – a little uncharacteristic of him. He continues. “It’s because of your little obsession.” He looks beyond Kyungsoo’s rigid shoulders at the video that remained paused on the boy’s face. On Kim Jongin’s face. “There’s rumours going around.”  
  
“What rumours?”  
  
“Ah,” he twiddles his thumbs, a complete anime-boy. Kyungsoo is lowkey disgusted. “I don’t think you should worry about  _that_  so much as what they’re actually  _complaining_  about.”  
  
Kyungsoo only blinks expectantly at him, a gesture to continue. There’s no point in wasting his breath on someone who promised not to beat around the bush.  
  
“You need to give more screen time to the other dancers, Kyungsoo.”  
  
_Oh._  
  
He gnaws his bottom lip, anxious. His brows furrow as he becomes lost in his thoughts. He wishes he could just roll his eyes at Baekhyun with indifference and scoff at him – a  _fuck off, I’ll do what I want. They’re my videos, my rules_  poised on the tip of his tongue. But Kyungsoo knows he has a point. Baekhyun continues, posture relaxed knowing that Kyungsoo was attentive and withholding of his usual sass. “This isn’t just from me. Sehun told me the other dancers haven’t taken  _too_  kindly to having Jongin as the main attraction. And by _main attraction_ , they mean almost the entire length of the videos.”  
  
Kim Jongin had indeed taken up a very high percentage of screen time in comparison to the others in their college’s varsity dance team. Kyungsoo didn’t intend to, but he has ended up using more footage of Jongin than anyone else. The moment he saw him on his screen, he didn’t ever want to look at anyone else. No matter how hard he has tried to, he just couldn't tear his eyes away from the him.  
  
But even if he believes the gorgeous boy from his video deserves all the worship and admiration in the world, even if he thought his movements were utterly hypnotic and no one else could come quite as close, he admits that what he did was unprofessional.  
  
“But hey, cheer up buddy! They haven’t sent in a formal complaint or anything so just, don’t let it happen again alright? Though, you know, I’m also the tiniest bit disappointed you didn’t end up using all the film I got.”  
  
Kyungsoo makes a pathetic half-groan, half-whine in response. It had only been the film club’s first real video assignment, and it was their time to shine – and Kyungsoo just had to fuck it up. As head of the club, he should have known better than to entertain his little…  _fascination_  with the boy. He groans, sweater clad hands coming up to cover the shade of shame dotting his cheeks.  
  
“I feel like such a fuck up.”  
  
Baekhyun jumps down from his height to pat his friend’s back in what he imagined was a soothing manner. It does ease the embarrassment and worry from his shoulders, just a little. Kyungsoo doesn’t need to say sorry to him explicitly – for wasting his time travelling to film all the dancers in a tedious location, for having to deal with the anxious mess that was the club’s president, and just for being a total diva when he gets into his zone as he edits. Anyway, Baekhyun knows him well enough to know when Kyungsoo is being sincere. Instead, he offers him a dorky, rectangular smile: his utterly charming Byun Baekhyun grin.  
  
“It’s really okay, Soo. We all get crushes sometimes and get a little carried away. Why, I myself had a crush or two back when I was your age. Granted, I didn’t ignore the rest of the world for her, but I think you can still relate. It’s perfectly normal for all young kiddies like you to get certain urges…”  
  
Kyungsoo drowns him out as a thought pops into his head. “Wait… Baek… Jongin hasn’t said anything about it has he?”  
  
Baekhyun stops his jovial lecture to regard the other with a lopsided grin.   
  
“Mmm. No, he hasn’t said anything. Not to me anyway.”  
  
Kyungsoo’s breaths come out easy.  
  
“But–“  _Oh no._  “If you had tried to be his friend, or even speak to him, you would know what his reaction would have been.”  
  
Kyungsoo waits for him to continue but all he gets is a disgusting show of wiggling eyebrows. “Ugh, can you please stop being so cryptic?”  
  
It was Baekhyun’s turn to roll his eyes, though in a more playful way. “I think he secretly liked having the spotlight on him to be honest.”  
  
Kyungsoo’s expression must have shown his confusion, as Baekhyun laughs and continues. “He’s worked really hard all his life. I mean you can relate to that right? You with your videos… but him and his dancing. He’s been training ever since he was a kid. He’s pretty much ‘danced his ass off’ to get here.” Baekhyun laughs alone at his ‘joke’, leaving Kyungsoo to his thoughts.  
  
“So he wouldn’t be… mad?”  
  
“Mad? I don’t think so. Actually, I think you just boosted his chances of getting an audition.” Kyungsoo’s tiny smile is short-lived as Baekhyun finishes with a, “which is actually bad news for the other dancers.”  
  
“Yeah.” Kyungsoo really hadn’t meant to do it: he isn’t the type to exclude people for no good reason. “God, I’m so embarrassed.”  
  
Baekhyun’s smile is reassuring. What he says next, isn’t.

 

“Anyway, back to your little crush.”

  
“Ugh.” Kyungsoo feels like his entire body is groaning. “It’s not… It’s not a crush okay? I don’t even know him.” Kyungsoo doesn’t know if he is trying to convince Baekhyun, or himself.  
  
“Then you should talk to him.” Baekhyun also had an annoying habit of randomly singing what he wanted to say instead of just saying it. This was one of those times. Kyungsoo winces a little at the volume, and disastrous pitch.  
  
“Baek, please.”  
  
This was the worst advice he could have gotten. There was no way Kyungsoo could even be in the same room as Jongin, let alone talk to him. He can feel his heart rate spike at just the thought.  _I’m totally happy to just admire him from afar_ , he convinces himself,  _that’s exactly what this is. Admiration. That’s all._  
  
“Well, I know you’re all ‘reclusive and mysterious’ and yeah okay, I’ll admit that’s a little bit sexy,” Kyungsoo wiggles his eyebrows at this derisively, “but you’re also really pathetic.”  
  
“Wow. Thank you. Just what I needed right now.”  
  
“No problem. Not to mention you’re really creepy just hanging out in here, making soft porn starring a man you haven’t even spoken to before.” Baekhyun is immune to the warning look thrown at him. It looks a little ridiculous behind Kyungsoo’s glasses anyway. “What is this by the way? It’s definitely not for the website.”  
  
“Just… passing the time I guess. I don’t want to spend my break out there.” Kyungsoo vaguely waves at the direction of the door.   
  
“I don’t get it. You’re the most…” He pauses to search for the correct term. His face conveys a proud ‘aha!’ as he apparently finds it. “You’re the most  _socially-challenged_  person I’ve ever met. You don’t like talking to people, or being in crowds, or making friends, or talking to people–“  
  
“Alright I get it, what’s your point?”  
  
“How is it that you’re the president of a school club? You hate the spotlight but you’re literally the face of the club.”  
  
Kyungsoo laughs lightly. “Actually, I’m pretty sure half the school, and probably even the members themselves think you’re the president of the club. But anyway, being president means I do all the hard stuff behind the scenes so I don’t need to interact with anyone. It’s win-win.”  
  
Baekhyun seems to consider this, so instead of a reply he is just offered a shrug and an  _’okay, whatever you say’_. He is glad he doesn’t have to explain himself to him, he’s already tired from being around another person for such a prolonged period of time.   
  
Kyungsoo clears his throat. He’s about to regret asking this.   
  
“What’s he like?”  
  
Baekhyun smirks and arches his eyebrow. He is insufferable.  
  
“What’s who like?”  
  
“Baekhyun I swear to go–“  
  
“Good thing I’m an atheist then.” He shrugs. “He’s nice. Funny. Talks a lot, laughs a lot. Kind of weird, actually. But he’s subscribed to my vlog so I like him.” He stops for a moment to fake-think. “I sound like I’m reciting his tinder profile or something.”  
  
Kyungsoo makes a face and mutters, “subscribed to your vlog? Maybe I like the wrong person.”  
  
Baekhyun just laughs.   
  
After a moment of silence (as silent as it could be with Baekhyun swinging his feet and chewing and being Baekhyun), he speaks up again in his sing-song voice, making his way to the door.  
  
“You know, it’s actually pretty cute,” Baekhyun smiles widely. “You. Being so head-over-heels for Jongin. It’s a refreshing change. Who knew our Kyungsoo was such a softie?” He then winks before leaving Kyungsoo alone in the room to pull at his oversized sweater, flustered and red, muttering  _‘I’m not soft’_  at the closed door.  
  
Baekhyun has been bothering him for so long that when Kyungsoo turns back to watch his work in progress, the boy’s laughing face is replaced by Kyungsoo’s screensaver, a generic backdrop of mountains with animated bubbles dancing in the foreground.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
**November 2016**  
  
Kyungsoo remembers beaming with excitement at the announcement they’d received from the IT club: a collaborative project between them and his film club, to cover extra-curricular activities at their school. Their first major project. The head of the IT club, Kim Minseok, had suggested they film the students for the website, so that it would be “more interactive, more informative, and less costly” than the hardback Clubs and Societies book that gets published every year.   
  
“It would be more better in general,” the vice president of the IT club, tech wizard and Baekhyun’s occasional partner in annoying Kyungsoo, Kim Jongdae announces as an afterthought. Kyungsoo is pleased to know he isn’t the only one in the room who cringes.  
  
Kyungsoo doesn’t really care about the website. _However_ , he is willing to bear hours of filming and interviewing strangers if it means he can finally make use of his dormant videographer skills.  
  
At the beginning of the school semester, he had high hopes he would actually be out filming. He was excited to complete his electives and move on to starting his major, and he was really looking forward to growing in his craft. Turns out his ass has been left to learn  _theory_  and the  _history and genres of film_  this entire semester. And as much as he is the movie critic, he’d really love to get to work on actual practical assignments.  
  
His film club was a great opportunity to hone his skills, but with balancing his studies, and making sure the club runs smoothly, he barely has any time to actually participate in any of their minor projects. So Minseok’s announcement, with its impeccable timing at the end of the semester, had come to him as a blessing.  
  
Baekhyun looks at him and gives him a small smile in understanding, remaining silent while he thinks. They’ve been friends for over a year now but he feels like he’s been rolling his eyes at him since forever.  
  
He is a film studies major too, like himself. Coincidentally they had a lot of the same electives, and whenever Kyungsoo didn’t have the option of an online class, he would find himself sitting beside him. Kyungsoo had surprised himself by taking a liking to a creature like Baekhyun– too loud, too messy, and too  _Baekhyun_. But despite all his annoying habits and quirks, it’s impossible to hate him.  
  
They've spent enough time around each other to develop what Kyungsoo would call synergy. Baekhyun simply calls it friendship.  
  
He finds that Baekhyun’s experiences are a very useful contrast to his own. Kyungsoo’s style is more solitary. His reels are filled to their brim with nature clips, crowd footage and the like, unusual angles and artistic shots. They’re all different, but the one thing they all have in common is a Kyungsoo that always remains hidden behind the camera. Baekhyun on the other hand is the at the center of the action. He is the star of everything he has ever filmed, and even if his face isn’t seen on camera, his voice would be heard, clear as crystals. He even has a weekly lifestyle vlog, which Kyungsoo was surprised to find is actually kind of funny. Somehow, they work well together.

For him, the sense of control he gets from filming, from directing behind the scenes, is everything.

Though he prefers to stay out of the limelight, it doesn’t take a genius to feel Kyungsoo’s passion for what he does; what he wants to do for the rest of his life. Sometimes it’s all he can think about. His fingers dance in an endless twitch, an eager itch to just rush to his computer every chance he can get, or to just hold his equipment. He’s pretty sure they’ve got Kyungsoo shaped imprints on them.  
  
“When do we start?” Baekhyun interrupts his train of thought, voice soft, and eager like a puppy.  
  
“As soon as we can I guess.” He shakes slightly in his excitement making Baekhyun smile. He’s too caught up in his excitement to even notice Baekhyun’s annoying little vocal habits. “Call for a meeting. Tomorrow afternoon.”  
  
And like the puppy he is, Baekhyun is ever the obedient vice president, and Kyungsoo is grateful (though he’d rather not be caught saying it out loud), to have him around. He feels his phone vibrate in his back pocket with a series of notifications as Baekhyun fingers tap away at his phone, notifying the club’s Facebook group chat of the meeting.  
  
“All good to go captain. Just gotta wait for like, everyone else to reply.”  
  
Kyungsoo rolls his eyes, but finds that he can’t drop his smile.  
  
The next day he waits for the members to arrive as he spins around and around on his wheely chair. He only stops when his glasses begin slipping askew, and feels a slight dizziness creeping up to his eyes. He hates how restless he becomes when he sets aside all else to focus on a single task, and he hates everyone’s lack of punctuality, meaning that he _can’t_ just do anything. So he has to wait. And waiting is just so  _boring_.  
  
Occasionally, Baekhyun is a welcoming sight – like right now – and Kyungsoo scowls without any real venom as he strolls in. He ushers the chattering members through the door. Under one arm he carries a tray of bubbletea, and Kyungsoo can spot his own usual order in the mix. The other arm is linked around Jongdae’s.  
  
“Wait– Jongdae. Why are you here?”  
  
Jongdae just offers him a shrug. “M’here for the LOLs.”  
  
Kyungsoo narrows his eyes at both Baekhyun and Jongdae as they casually sip on their drinks. “Whatever,” he mumbles. “If everyone is here, let’s get started.”  
  
Baekhyun hands him his drink as he briefs the four members in the room. He explains Kyungsoo’s approach to them, a natural leader.  _He should be president_ , he thinks as he watches Baekhyun speak to the members, full of his usual charisma. But he knows Baekhyun hates all the administrative work that goes down behind the scenes and all the meticulous planning and organising, so he’s fine with their current arrangement: to be Kyungsoo’s spokesperson and right hand man.  
  
“Kyungsoo and I will be in contact with the clubs, so we can organise when to film.” His tone is very optimistic. “Basically we’ll split up the jobs between us. So, Seulgi and Chaeyoung will take the main student organisations. Taehyun to the cultural clubs. Kyungsoo, our lone wolf, will take on special interest and that leaves,” Baekhyun makes a show of swooping a glance around the room to the only member who’s remained unassigned. “You and me, Sooyoung.”  
  
Sooyoung makes a disgusted face at him when he winks.  
  
“Soo? What do you think?”  
  
Kyungsoo feels his face heat up when all eyes turn to him. “Yeah, um. Just get as much footage as you can,” he murmurs just loud enough for everyone to hear.  
  
“Kyungsoo and I will work on editing the clips,” Baekhyun continues for him in a stronger voice. “And don’t send us the complete raw footage please – ain’t nobody got time for that. Just send us the best parts. And try to keep all the shots uniform; we gotta make sure the videos are pretty consistent in style.” He purses his lip in thought, and eventually shrugs. “Alright. Thanks guys, I think that’s it.”  
  
“We’ll keep in touch,” Kyunsoo adds softly.  
  
Baekhyun has to have the last word of course. “And most importantly,  _have fun_.” He wiggles his eyebrows.  
  
The meeting is finished, and he feels a tension lift from his shoulders as one by one, the members bid their farewells and leave (Sooyoung with a slight grimace pointed at Baekhyun). He stretches his fingers out from under the long sleeves of his sweater and breathes out slowly. It’s not that he actually hates being around people, he would just rather not be around several people at once. And also have to talk to them. He shivers involuntarily.  
  
Baekhyun has gone back to a somewhat serious mood as they discuss the finer details of their project together. They aim to finish filming within two weeks so they can have the videos on the webpage by the new year. They draw up a basic storyboard so they can help the others, especially the newer members, in keeping up with an even style.  
  
In the background, he hears Jongdae slurping up his tapioca pearls.  
  
 

* * *

  
  
He’s never been this tired in his life.  
  
He manages to chase down the president of every special interest club. Filming has finally concluded over the course of a week, but Kyungsoo feels like it’s been an eternity. Not to mention, he is the slightest bit traumatised.  
  
The special interest clubs were, to put it frankly, weird as  _fuck._  
  
When he enters his club room, he isn’t alone. Taehyun is sitting at one of the computers, probably doing what he himself has come to do. He nods at Kyungsoo in acknowledgement, white blonde hair flopping over his eyes, and smiles as if to say,  _I’m done boss_. Kyungsoo smiles back before sitting in his usual spot. He removes his memory card from his video camera and inserts it into the card slot so he can save all the remaining footage he’s gathered.  
  
He saves them in the folder he’s already created, and organises them in name order. Skimming through the files on his screen makes him realise again just how crazy his week has been. Filming all these clubs has made him feel like he’d been blindfolded, abducted by an alien spaceship and left alone on a weird, hybridised planet full of crazies. He didn’t really know how  _intense_  people are about their interests (not that that’s any of his business), but he is just a little bit afraid of how loudly they loved their stuff.  
  
He sees the thumbnail of the Muggle Society, and feels second hand embarrassment. It’s a shot of their “Quidditch team” (they tried to make him sign a petition to approve them of being an actual sports team – which he politely refused) running around screaming, with balls in their hands and brooms between their legs. It makes for an entertaining final video though, he admits appreciatively. Kyungsoo recalls feeling surprised to find that the Anime Club were one of the tamer ones, with a few decent cosplayers milling around in an overall chill atmosphere. And the Magic and Mystery Club had been the most interesting thing he’s filmed so far.   
  
He smiles to himself and admits that  _it hadn’t been_  that  _bad_.  
  
Kyungsoo hopes his videos would turn out alright. More importantly, he hopes the ones he took of the Animal Lovers’ Society don’t look too much like a promotional video for furries.  
  
He sighs tiredly. His brings his sweater sleeved hands to his face and covers it, letting the coarse material rub out his tiredness: he has drowned in the exhaustion that has accumulated over the week and he’s still struggling to resurface. He feels like he has spoken to more people in the one week than he has in his entire academic career.  
  
Well, at least it’s all over.  
  
He peaks at his computer screen from between his fingers and stares blankly at the files transferring, the bar still only at 12%. Taehyun pats him on his shoulder twice and gives him a thumbs up before he leaves, a gentle “let’s hang out before school starts” tumbling from his lips. Kyungsoo nods absentmindedly.  
  
He’s writing down some notes when he feels his phone buzz in his pocket.  
  
It’s a text from Baekhyun that reads  _kyunghouston we have a problem._  
  
Instead of rolling his eyes like he usually does whenever Baekhyun cracks a silly pun, a frown settles on his forehead. He hurriedly types back,  _What’s wrong?_  
  
He bites his lip, watching the three dots move as Baekhyun types. A simple message pops up on his screen:  _dance teams away at the preliminaries for some regional dance conquest ;u;_  
  
Followed up by:  _contest* hehe_.  
  
How is Baekhyun laughing at a time like this? He shakes away the mild distress he feels as he texts back with a,  _Do you think the two of you can chase them up? Would that be too much trouble?_  
  
_like go all the way south to film them!?!?!?!?!?_  He receives.  
  
_Hmm… It could be a chance to film them actually doing something?_  
  
_actually u know what this is a great opporutunity soo,,, always wanted to go on a lil fieldtrip hehe_  
  
He smiles, knowing the reason why he was quick to retract his complaints.  _How is Sooyoung?_  he texts out of curiosity. He adds the tongue-out emoji for optimal playfulness.  
  
His screen is assaulted by a frightening number of emojis. He doesn’t even try to decipher their meaning (why are there like, twenty crawling baby emojis?). It’s followed by another text:  _she’s a real joy to be around^^._  
  
 

* * *

  
  
He’s finished editing all the videos.  
  
“Oh my  _gooood_ ,” he groans involuntarily, stretching his body in his seat. He cracks his knuckles and shoulders and neck and everywhere else. Kyungsoo has been cooped up in the room for so long, he thinks it’s probably summer by how hot he is under his large sweater. He takes his glasses off, vision blurring slightly, and rubs at his eyes with the ends of his woolen sleeves.  
  
Baekhyun is away filming the dance team with Sooyoung, so he has had most of the editing thrust on his shoulders. He doesn’t mind. He opts to finish everything so he’ll end up with the one video left.   
  
_Baekhyun’s been away for ages though_ , he thinks to himself. He’s a little suspicious, but he’s willing to let it slide.  
  
There’s a knock on the door. He puts his glasses on before uttering a curt  _come in_. Seulgi’s head pops in from behind the door, a little shy, before she grins at him and enters the room. She places something small next to his keyboard. A memory stick.  
  
“Baekhyun dropped this off.”  
  
_Trust Baekhyun._  
  
“That’s fine, Seulgi. Thank you.”  
  
She smiles, but doesn’t leave. “How’s everything going?”  
  
“It’s alright. When Baekhyun gets back we’ll just film our club and we’re done.”  
  
She nods, toes the table leg with a scruffy shoe. Kyungsoo smiles a little. “You did great. Your technique has improved a lot.”  
  
Seulgi all but beams at him, cat-like eyes scrunching down. “I have one hell of a mentor.”  
  
When she leaves, Kyungsoo picks up his phone to check if he has any texts from Baekhyun. He doesn’t. He does have a text from Jongdae, though.  
  
_Did you know that echidnas has four penis-heads? goals_  
  
He texts back.  
  
_You’re a penis-head._  
  
He selects the transferred files Baekhyun’s sent him, and puts them in his raw, unedited video folder. There’s 4 clips in total. One of them is labelled ‘Click me click me click me up.m4v’ and Kyungsoo sighs before clicking it.  
  
Before it starts, he sees that it’s only 15 seconds long. It’s a selfie video, he realises when Baekhyun appears on his screen, all teeth and eye smiles and an affronted looking Sooyoung tucked under his arm. They’re at a beach.  
  
“Hey Soo. Hope you don’t mind,” he smiles around the words like he  _knows_  Kyungsoo has no choice, “I won’t be coming back till next week, I’ll film the dance team performing at the preliminaries. I’ll send you the videos I’ve taken so far though. Till then, I’ll be stealing her away this weekend.”  
  
He places a quick kiss on her cheek. Sooyoung grunts, but doesn’t look as annoyed as she usually does. Before the clip ends, Baekhyun brings the camera close to his face and screams. He thinks he hears Sooyoung laugh, but the video cuts off.  
  
He rolls his eyes, but gives them a pass.  
  
He goes back to the videos. He’s too tired to edit them today, but he’ll just have a look at them so he can get an idea of what to do. He opens the file titled ‘Beach Stretches’ first.  
  
It’s been filmed at twilight. The cerise sun has its lips on the horizon. All he sees are shadows, five in total, a dark contrast to the sunset colours. They don’t seem to be dancing, but their movements are so graceful that Kyungsoo is convinced this is choreographed. He gives immense props to Baekhyun and Sooyoung; these shots are incredible.  
  
The shadows gather and disperse, as if they’ve unanimously, silently decided on their next move. Each dancer takes their place in a long, invisible line with at least three arms’ length of distance between them. He wonders why they needed so much space, and he receives his answer in the next second.  
  
They all begin to stretch, simultaneously. Kyungsoo watches, mesmerised. Though all their moves are different, it seems like one big, practised dance, their actions mimicking a sort of push and pull rhythm, like the low tide behind them. He finds himself leaning into his computer screen without even realising.  
  
The video cuts to black, but only for a moment. It starts again. This time, there is an individual focus on one of the shadows. it’s a woman’s body, lithe and long, legs poised in elegance.  
  
_This video will be their best_ , Kyungsoo grins.  
  
It follows like that for the rest of the video. It cuts to black before a different figure emerges, warming up. He knows that they’re different people because they’ve all got quite distinctive moves. Kyungsoo doesn’t even know he has an eye that kind of thing it until now. Or maybe the dancers in the video are just too good.  
  
He stops the video before it ends. He’s got the general idea.  
  
The next video he watches is called ‘Dance Practice’. It’s much shorter than the other video. And much brighter. They’re in a mirrored room, intensely bathed in light. The dancers are all present in the same shot, though their faces are hidden under baseball caps. The five of them stand in some kind of formation – Kyungsoo doesn't know the term for it, he obviously isn’t an expert in this area, but it looks like an M. Baekhyun has filmed them so meticulously that you hardly see any filming equipment, or the camera crew behind them.   
  
A song starts, so loud and so sudden that his arm hairs prickle from the bass. It’s a hip-hop number that he vaguely remembers hearing on the radio a couple of times. On cue, the bodies begin to move in a way Kyungsoo didn't think was possible. Everyone was completely in sync and their execution was flawless. Even if there  _were_  any mistakes, he doesn’t think anyone would ever be able to catch them.  
  
Like he observed in the previous video, their dance styles were all different, even if they danced the same dance to the same song. Yet they flowed so well together, complimenting each other’s moves.  _This_ , he thinks,  _is art_.  
  
Their moves have no fault. Everyone dances so perfectly, yet there is still one figure who really stands out to him. It was one of the male dancers, with moves both so sharp and so fluid at the same time. He has a slim body;  _a body made to dance_ , he thinks. His moves are like water, and Kyungsoo drinks it all in eagerly with his eyes. He wanted so badly to see his entire face, but the parts of his face that weren’t covered showed an expression as dark as the clothes he wore. His jawline is almost as sharp as his moves, and his mouth was open with the breaths he inhaled in between.  
  
Kyungsoo has never seen anyone move like this before. Before he can get too carried away, he closes the video and moves on to the next one. The last video is titled ‘Fun Day at the Beac’. Kyungsoo renames the file, adding the ‘h’ that was missing at the end.  
  
It looks like it's filmed on the same beach as the one in Baekhyun’s video. There’s a lot of background noise; he hears a colony of seagulls  _keow keow_ ; he hears waves lapping on the shore in lazy  _woosh_ es; he hears tinkling and loud and boisterous laughter. Some of them probably belong to his own film team. Kyungsoo is mildly surprised to find that the combination of it all, with the bright sunrays lighting up his screen, fills him with a sense of calm and happiness.  
  
He finally sees their faces since they’re no longer covered in hats or obscured by the vanishing sunlight. This time, the members of the dance team are dressed in casual beach-appropriate and winter-appropriate clothing. The first thought he has is,  _how did I not realise they were dancing on a beach in the dead of fucking winter?_  
  
The second thought he has is: _wow. They are all_ insanely  _attractive._  
  
The two girls in the dance team are sitting, playing around with the sand and building something that is almost passable for a sandcastle. The three boys are running around playing tag, laughing when one of them unsuccessfully jumps over the sandcastle and showers everyone in sand. The camera shakes a little too, as if whoever is filming is laughing along with them silently.  
  
“Hey! Oh Sehun!” A voice from behind the camera, Sooyoung’s voice, calls out to the dancer still sitting on top of the ruined castle. He looks up, and Sooyoung must have gestured to him because he dusts himself off and walks over. The others are still laughing, the girls as well, and Sehun shoots them the finger. On camera.  
  
_Yikes._  He’s going to have to edit that out.  
  
Kyungsoo knows Sehun. Not personally, but they’ve spoken before, once or twice. He’s the only one on the dance team he is sort of acquainted with, thanks to his social butterfly of a vice president. He knows that Sehun is just as passionate about cats as he is about dancing. And he knows that even though his face is seemingly always set to emotionless by default, he’s really quite mischievous. That’s about all he knows.  
  
“Introduce yourself for the camera, buddy.” It’s Baekhyun, with a voice that’s lifted in laughter.  
  
Sehun purses his lips, and speaks in a colourless tenor. “Oh Sehun.”  
  
“Oookay,” Baekhyun drags out. “What do you love about dancing?”  
  
“Everything.”  
  
There’s a slight pause from Baekhyun and Sooyoung and then, “alright, alright. Call Jongin over.”  
  
Sehun salutes sarcastically, before walking back over to where the other dancers were still goofing around.  _This is great_ , Kyungsoo thinks. It’s so natural and playful. He watches as Sehun strolls over to one of the guys, taps him on the shoulder and points at the camera.  
  
Kyungsoo looks down at his phone for a moment as his screen lights up with a notification. The video continues playing in the background. He’s got another text from Jongdae that says,  _don't be an echidna, kyungsoo_ , followed by an image of his contact name being changed to ‘echidnasty’.  
  
He’s got his fingers composed in a witty retort, but a soft voice grabs his attention.  
  
“Is it recording? Do I say it now?”  
  
Kyungsoo lifts his head at the sound of the voice, and feels a cold rush grab a hold of his body. He freezes, with his breath caught in his throat and his eyes glued to the most  _beautiful_  person he has ever seen.  
  
He has chestnut brown hair that’s swept to a side – but it remains unruly all over his face because of the strong winter winds, and for some reason that amuses the boy to no end. He keeps trying to tame his hair to no avail, laughing every time it keeps messing up. He’s snuggled into a large windbreaker, and Kyungsoo has never appreciated the colour pink so much.  
  
And his smile, oh  _god_  his smile. It’s the most radiant thing Kyungsoo has ever seen in his entire life. It brightens up his screen more than the sunlight does.  
  
The boy stops fidgeting around with his hair to speak.  
  
“Hi, my name is Jongin.”  
  
_Jongin._  
  
As he laughs again, Kyungsoo is starting to feel like he’s in a scene from one of those melodramas Baekhyun and Jongdae watch when they crowd into his apartment. Kyungsoo is the hopeless, pining protagonist in his own drama craving, and craning his ears to hear this boy speak.  
  
“What do you love about dance, Jongin?”  
  
Kyungsoo takes a shuddering breath as Jongin starts to answer.  
  
“Oh, everything! It’s been my dream ever since before I could even walk, I think.” His voice was soft but full of enthusiasm and passion, his eyes lighting up as he talks about dancing. He speaks really fast, like his mouth is trying to keep up with everything in his brain. It’s adorable. “It feels like I’m married to it, you know? I just want to dance for the rest of my life.”  
  
Kyungsoo sees the faint colouring of a blush on Jongin’s cheeks as he brings a hand to the back of his neck and laughs.  _Cute._  
  
And absolutely  _beautiful._  He’s never seen anyone  _this_  beautiful before.  
  
“Okay, Jongin, thank you! Can you call over Yixing please?”  
  
Kyungsoo feels irritation spark in him when he hears Baekhyun’s voice. He’s not really sure what’s come over him, but he just wants to look at Jongin forever.  
  
A strangled “No!” dies in his throat as he watches Jongin walk back to his group and he has to physically stop and shake out the crazy thoughts from his head.  _What the fuck Kyungsoo? Get a grip. You don’t even_  know  _this kid._  
  
And yet, he can’t stop the feeling of emptiness that rushes through him in currents when Jongin disappears from his screen.  
  
He watches the rest of the video – well, he tries to, but he just can’t concentrate. Everyone has had a chance to speak, but he just watches it with glazed eyes, looking right through the images on his computer. He’s only snapped back into reality when he hears nothing but his own deep breaths.  
  
Oh.  
  
The video has stopped.  
  
Kyungsoo is suddenly unsure of what to do with himself. He absentmindedly plays with his sleeves, trying to come to a decision. It’s a little late but he doesn't feel like going home yet. He runs his hands through his hair and is reminded of how _Jongin_ had tried to tame his hair in the video.  
  
He groans.  
  
He just can’t get the handsome boy’s face out of his mind; his laugh, his voice, his crinkled eyes – they all play on repeat, like they’re on a reel inside of his head. Kyungsoo feels like his life has actually changed, like he’s finally found his purpose or something cheesy like that.

 

No, that’s just ridiculous. He tells himself to  _get a fucking grip will you? Oh my god._  His fingers dance lightly on keyboard, for lack of a better thing to do, and he comes to a decision.  
  
He doesn’t even try to stop himself when he plays the video again, skipping to the part where Jongin comes on screen.   
  
And when it’s finished, he plays it again.  
  
_Hi, my name is Jongin…_  
  
And again.  
  
_Hi, my name is Jongin…_  
  
And again.

 

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

 

 **January 2017**  
  
Against his better judgment, he ignores Baekhyun’s advice and continues making Kim Jongin the star of his next video. And the next. And on and on.  
  
And he  _knows_  it’s wrong, but he just can’t help himself. Not when Jongin is the most breathtaking man he has ever seen; not when his smiles draw him in like a magnet; not when his voice alone could crumble every last bit of Kyungsoo’s self-preservation.  
  
Kim Minseok had asked Kyungsoo and his club to pay extra attention on the dance team for the past month, since they’ve been actively participating in the regional dance competition. And Kyungsoo had been more than eager to do so. Of course, both Baekhyun  _and_  Sooyoung had given him knowing looks.  
  
At least they hadn’t been  _too_  disappointed when they saw his latest uploads. He hadn’t received many complaints either, and he isn’t really sure what to make of that but he decides to just roll with it for the time being and just do his own thing.  
  
Kyungsoo sits alone in the club room. He’s watching yet another video of Jongin ( _no surprises there_ , he scoffs at himself), a focus of him at the dance competition. In one hand, he’s got his favourite pulled pork burrito from the Mexican place on campus as a ‘movie snack’ – for some reason it tastes even better as he eats it while he watches Jongin dance on his screen.  
  
“Hey.”  
  
The nonchalant tone catches him by surprise; he didn’t even hear the door open. Kyungsoo stops picking out the diced tomatoes from within the delicious tortilla mess to look distractedly at the direction of the voice. His mouth slackens at the figure by the door.  
  
There he was, casually leaning his weight on the door frame.  
  
 _Kim Jongin._  
  
 _What…_  
  
His mind stutters. He can’t formulate a single coherent thought.  
  
Kyungsoo stares for a moment too long.  
  
Jongin chuckles. It’s friendly, and way too familiar, and it sends chills right through Kyungsoo’s body. He’s just been staring at him, and the back of his mind nags at him, telling him that he must look like a complete creep, and he wants to look away from Jongin, but he finds that he just physically  _can’t_. He wants to reach out and touch Jongin, to see if he’s really here in the room with Kyungsoo and not living in some kind of cheap burrito induced day dream.  
  
But even  _he_  knows that’s socially unacceptable.  
  
“You’re Kyungsoo right?” He can taste the sweetness of his name as it falls from Jongin’s lips. It was even more hypnotic when it isn’t buffered by his speakers. All he can do is give a belated nod in response.  
  
He’s wearing a large hoodie in the same baby pink colour of the windbreaker he wore when Kyungsoo had first laid eyes on him. As Jongin peels himself off the doorway and saunters over to where Kyungsoo sits glued to his seat, he notices the faint sparkle of glitter around his eyes. It makes his eyes twinkle even more in the room’s dull lighting. He just  _glows_.  
  
“I’m Jongin.”  
  
 _I know_ , he almost says, if he hadn’t been blinded by the smile that is sent his way. He’s so beautiful. Kyungsoo feels like he is suffocating.  
  
Nothing could have prepared him for this moment: to see Jongin up close, to see him smile at him as if they were old friends, to have him talk to Kyungsoo directly instead of at the lens of a camera.  
  
And  _he_  probably looks ridiculous like this; one hand holding on to his burrito and the other  _in_  his burrito.  
  
Jongin lets out another laugh and Kyungsoo doesn’t have time to be embarrassed because he just  _melts_ ; that’s got to be the cutest laugh he has ever heard. He bites his lip at the sound.  
  
He’s still watching Jongin, and in the back of his mind he thinks  _again_  that he probably looks really creepy, but he can’t help himself. He still can’t believe that Jongin is here, in the room, _with_ him.  
  
 _But why?_  
  
His brain finally catches up with him, and he manages to muster the voice to ask, “may I help you with anything?”  
  
“I just came to talk to the genius behind the videos,” he replies easily. Kyungsoo’s breath hitches at the words. Jongin hasn’t dropped his smile since he entered the room. He gestures to a chair with a cute tilt of his head and Kyungsoo nods, too enthusiastic.  _Tone it down, oh my god._  
  
Jongin sits down on the chair behind his computer. It’s Baekhyun’s worktable – and no offence to him – but Baekhyun has never looked this good sitting there.  
  
Kyungsoo finally has the sense to set down his burrito. He tears his eyes away from Jongin, and tugs his sleeves over his fingers, unsure of what to do now. Kim Jongin is in the same room with him and his heart is beating too fast in his chest and too loud in his ears. His bottom lip is trapped between his teeth, and he might taste blood any second if he doesn’t calm down.  
  
“I’m not disturbing you am I? I just wanted to come say hi.” When he looks up again, Jongin has a pout on his face. He looks less like the charismatic dancer he had been on screen, and more like a cute boy in his late teens. Kyungsoo chases away any thoughts of kissing that pout. Jongin isn’t here to be perved on by some stranger.  
  
 _But he’s here to talk to me?_  
  
That didn’t make sense to him. He has dreamt up so many scenarios about finally mustering up the courage to talk to Jongin, but he has never in wildest dreams thought that Jongin would come seek  _him_  out. It’s like an early birthday present he never expected to get.  
  
“You’re no–“  
  
“Hey, is that me?” Jongin bursts out suddenly. His eyes are looking past Kyungsoo, at his screen.  
  
 _Shit_. The video of Jongin’s focus was still playing on his computer.  
  
He turns around quickly in his chair, fumbling with the keys to pause the video and then close it just for good measure. The wallpaper of the Film Club’s members greets him, and he’s thankful that he hadn’t changed it to a screencap of Jongin like he had wanted to.  
  
“U-um, that was just, uhm. For the club.”  
  
When he turns back to look at Jongin, he has amusement written all over his face. Kyungsoo’s embarrassment catches up to him at last, and he can feel his cheeks turn hot. He looks down at the hands on his lap, and plays with his fingers.  
  
“Actually, I wanted to talk to you about those videos.”  
  
And Kyungsoo can't say no to the cute tilt of his head. He blinks his eyes rapidly. He isn’t sure if his eyes burn from consecutive nights staring at his laptop, or if he’s just tearing up from the intensity of Jongin’s gaze on him. Jongin seems confident in everything he does and says and Kyungsoo must look so dull in front of him.  
  
“Sure, I um, I guess.”  
  
“Okay, first of all, I’m really flattered that you’ve given me so much screen time, but it’s kind of starting to agitate the other dancers a little bit.”  
  
 _Oh no_. Kyungsoo draws in a sharp breath and Jongin must have noticed because he is quick to add in a hurried voice, “hey, no, I don’t think it’s a bad thing  _really_. I actually really am flattered and I think it’s… kind of cute that you gave me so much attention.” He laughs a little, and Kyungsoo feels a part of him die inside. “I mean at the start I just got teased a lot by the others because they kept saying you must have a crush on me or something I dunno, but yea–“  
  
“I– I don’t have a crush on you.” Kyungsoo interrupts him. He does, in fact have  _something_  of a crush on him. He’s sort of come to terms with it by the fourth video he edited, but he doesn’t want Jongin to think he’s some weirdo who can’t control his feelings for someone he’s never even met till just now.   
  
“Oh. Okay.” Jongin falters a little. Before Kyungsoo can make anything of it, he’s talking again. “Well, as I was saying. It was fine the first few times but now they think there’s something up between us.”  
  
Jongin stops to look at him expectantly.  
  
“What?” Kyungsoo is confused. But then again, his mind is kind of in a daze right now.  
  
“They kind of maybe implied that I’m sleeping with you for more screen time?” Jongin says sheepishly. Kyungsoo watches his lips move, his lips curving around the words. He has a natural pout, Kyungsoo observes. It is so distracting. “And that’s ridiculous, I  _know_ , I haven’t even met you before, I mean I’ve seen you around–“  
  
He blinks, the words finally reaching him and –  _what?_  
  
“ _What?!_  Sleeping with–  _what?!_ ”  
  
His voice is raised in both pitch and volume and Jongin flinches a little.  
  
“I’m sorry,” Kyungsoo says softly, deflating a little.  
  
“No, I’m sorry. Maybe I shouldn’t have brought it up.”  
  
Why is Jongin apologising to  _him_? He hasn’t done nothing wrong. And yet, there he was with a sad little pout on his face. If he didn’t know any better, Kyungsoo would never be able to tell that this is the man with dance moves that can break hearts. He just feels awful all over again. Because of  _him_ , Jongin is getting a lot of unnecessary shit from his friends. Are these the rumours Baekhyun was talking about?  _Oh my_  god…  _I am_  such _a fuck up_ , he thinks bitterly.  
  
He refrains from burying his face in his hands, or pulling sweater over his head. He gives himself a pep talk instead.  
  
 _Just man up and explain yourself to him._  
  
“No, it’s my fault. I’m really sorry.” Kyungsoo surprises himself by how calm he sounds. “I just thought your dancing was so, so beautiful.”  
  
The effect of his words are instantaneous. Jongin frowns for a second before his eyes light up with his praise.  _He’s so expressive._  
  
He’s still a little shy, though. It’s strange, the confidence from before has seemingly vanished. Was it something he said? That’s silly, why would  _Jongin_  of all people be affected by anything Kyungsoo says. Kyungsoo is used to people being a little shy around him, Seulgi is shy, Chaeyoung too, but he never expected Jongin to be like this as well. Or maybe Jongin is just extremely expressive.  
  
“Thank you,” he replies. Kyungsoo still can’t get over how much better it is to hear Jongin’s voice live, right in front of him. If this actually is just some kind of dream, he is sure to wake up crying.  
 

They’re both quiet. This isn’t a scenario he thought he’d be in, so he doesn’t know what to do. Maybe he should just wing it and hope for the best. He pushes his glasses up with his sweater pawed fingers, thinking of what else to say to him.  
  
Jongin beats him to it.  
  
“So… What are you working on?”  
  
“Oh, uh… Nothing at the moment.” He’s so boring. Why is Jongin still here? Well, he doesn’t want him to leave yet, so he repeats his question. “What about you?”  
  
“Nothing at the moment,” he parrots with a smile. The glitter around his eyes catch the light. “Just relaxing till classes start. You’re a film major right? We might have classes in the same building.”  
  
“Why?  _You’re_  not in film?” It’s a statement, but he frames it as a question.  
  
“No,” he laughs, “I’m actually an Econ major. I’m pretty sure I have some of my classes in this building.”  
  
Kyungsoo frowns at this information. He pushes his glasses up his nose once again as Jongin grins, somehow knowing exactly what he is thinking.  
  
His smile doesn’t quite reach his eyes with what he says next.  
  
“Yeah, my parents don’t really think being a dancer is a valid profession,” he laughs, but it sounds hollow. “So, the dance team is really just my way of still doing what I love.”  
  
“I’m sorry to hear that,” Kyungsoo mumbles. What else can he say?  _Your parents are stupid not to see your incredible talent so fuck them tbh?_  Well, there might be some merit to that. “I hope I’m not overstepping my boundaries, but I think you should do what you love. I don’t need to tell you that you’re immensely talented.”  _And immensely gorgeous._  “Econ is good too, though. Do you enjoy studying it?”  
  
It brings a more genuine smile back on his face and Kyungsoo feels breathless at the sight and proud at the thought that it’s because of something he said.  
  
“Yeah, it’s great actually. I think it’s a good fall-back,” he pauses and smiles widely, wistfully. “I really  _do_  want to dance though. There’s an audition coming up in April for a dance company and I’d really like to get in to. They’ll have tours around the continent. How cool is that?”  
  
Kyungsoo nods. “You should audition.” He says before he can stop himself.  
  
“I want to. But the audition process is… quite grueling.”  
  
Kyungsoo hums, not quite understanding, but not wanting to overstep anymore.  
  
“Hey Kyungsoo,” his heart really can’t handle more of him saying his name, “thank you.”  
  
Kyungsoo isn’t sure what he’s being thanked for, so he just smiles slightly as they fall into a silence that’s calmer than he expected. For a moment he feels completely comfortable with Jongin. For a moment he doesn’t make him feel intimidated, or nervous.  
  
A knock on the door breaks the little companionable silence they’re in and Kyungsoo feels a slight tightness in his chest again. They both look towards the knocking, where Sehun’s head peaks from behind the open door. There is a devilish smirk on his face.  
  
“I’m not interrupting anything am I?”  
  
There’s at least a metre of space between them, but the look Sehun sends them and the tone of his voice makes Kyungsoo feel like he’s just been caught giving Jongin a blowjob.   
  
“Not at all,” Jongin is quick to say, and Kyungsoo is suddenly reminded that he really  _is_  just a nobody to him. Their chat had just been business. Nothing else. He feels a little empty. Jongin gets up and walks to the door brusquely, shooing Sehun with his hands before the other dancer can even say anything else. He doesn’t look back.  
  
Only when he’s almost outside does he turn around to give him a quick, “I’ll see you around Kyungsoo!” before he’s gone. He can hear Sehun laughing.  
  
The breath he releases is heavy, and his chest feel too light. He pinches the skin near his wrist, hard, and grimaces. This  _isn’t_  a dream.  
  
“What the  _fuck_.”  
  
 

* * *

  
  
Jongin was right.  
  
When school resumes, they end up having a lot of classes in the same building, so he sees him around,  _a lot_. It shouldn’t surprise him, given that his college is actually quite small. Sometimes it’s just a blur of golden skin in his periphery as he meanders through crowds, not really knowing if it’s actually Jongin he’s seeing or if it's a Jongin shaped mirage. Sometimes it’s a lot more direct; he’d literally walk right past Jongin in the hallway, and Jongin would smile like they were friends but also seem like he’s smiling because he had to (though sometimes he looks like he’s actually about to say something to him, but maybe he’s just in the middle of speaking to his friends as Kyungsoo passes by).  
  
Kyungsoo isn’t sure what to make of it, but then again, Jongin just seems like he’s the friendly, polite type.  
  
He is never alone either.  _This must be the life of a celebrity_ , Kyungsoo thinks a little bitterly. He’s never seen Jongin without at least two people by his side.  
  
They haven’t spoken since the first time Jongin sought him out and Kyungsoo has had plenty of time to think about that day. As much as the close proximity had – at the time – been something he’d want to experience again, he thinks maybe it’s for the best that they haven’t spoken since. He feels a whole lot worse because now he’s convinced that Jongin thinks he’s some kind of creep. He had said what he had to say, and only stayed back out of politeness and that was that.   
  
(Kyungsoo has humoured the thought of reverting back to his old editing style and maybe making a dance team video of only Jongin’s highlights to get his attention again, but he did come to his senses. He doesn’t know where he stands with Jongin, but he doesn’t need a restriction order to find out.)  
  
His new classes are easy, so far, but even so he still finds it hard to concentrate. He chews on the back of his pens more than he’s used to, he doodles on the sides of his notebooks more than he used to, his attention drifts away further, his notes are sparse and he talks much, much less.  
  
Ever since The Incident, Kyungsoo only goes to sleep after replaying the scene over and over in his head, wishing he had been cooler, or said something funny, or made a good, memorable impression on Jongin. Instead, every time he recalls that day, he just remembers an unhelpful detail he hadn’t before; how ratty he probably looked in the old, oversized sweater; how unhygienic he must have seemed with half his hand inside a burrito; how greasy his hair was; how much his left eye twitched; how his voice cracked; how disgusting he actually is.  
  
And he just regrets his life all over again.  
  
He has a tendency to overthink, so the more he thinks about his encounter with Jongin, the more embarrassed about it he becomes, and the more anxious he feels.  
  
He’s mortified every time he relives the memory.  
  
 _Why am I so embarrassing?_  
  
He wants to runaway and take up refuge in a small, desolate village. Or maybe he could stay in his apartment and never leave, ever. Hmm, that sounds perfect. He can get groceries delivered and do all his shopping online, and he’ll never have to see another person again.  
  
 _But won’t it get too lonely?_  
  
He can always make friends online?  
  
He shakes his head.  
  
He actually even starts to look lists of other universities that offer his course, relatively close by but also far enough that no one  _here_  will ever cross paths with him again.  
  
This is ridiculous.  
  
He shouldn't have to move his life around because he did something embarrassing. He can’t try to restart his life every time he makes a mistake. Even if it makes him feel like death.  
  
 _(He hopes he’ll get over it soon enough.)_  
  
When he can’t think of what to do with himself, and he can’t think about homework or assignments or Jongin, he just watches a few ‘Most Satisfying Videos on the Internet’ compilations on YouTube and rethinks his life choices.  
  
He corners Baekhyun (more like, ‘gently’ pulls him by the ear into the club room) during their breaks and asks about the so-called rumours he had mentioned all those days ago. He’s afraid to find out the answer.  
  
“Ow–  _ow!_  Soo would you please let go?”  
  
“When you mentioned rumours–“  
  
“Can you please let go of my ear first? Ow!”  
  
Kyungsoo releases him and starts again.  
  
“When you mentioned rumours going around about my videos, were they about Jongin and I sleeping together so he’d have more screen time?”  
  
Baekhyun’s nursing his right ear, but he has the decency to look a little sheepish. “And what would you do with this information?” Kyungsoo makes a move as if to grab him again so he yelps and quickly jumps out of the way. “Okay, okay! I’ll tell you jeez. First of all,  _’rumours’_  was an exaggeration. It was literally just me, Sehun and Yixing joking around while filming. Jongin’s just so easy to tease.”  
  
He moves to the door.  
  
“And apparently so are you.”  
  
“Baek–!” But he’s already in the hallway running for his life.  
  
He rolls his eyes, angry.  
  
He goes back to thinking about his poor life choices.  
  
He’s not really sure what to do about Jongin. He feels a bit weird watching his videos in the same way that he used to. He had him on such a high pedestal before.  
  
But that’s  _his_  own fault. He was definitely idolising the boy too much.  
  
It’s kind of weird, and a little anti-climatic, like meeting your favourite celebrity, finding out that they’re just a regular person too and then seeing them live their regular lives everyday.  
  
(Yet a huge part of him still wants to go back to a time when Jongin didn’t think he was some kind of creepy hermit, holed in the film club’s room watching and rewatching and rewatching videos of him dancing.)  
  
(He’s sure he’ll get over it soon enough.)  
  
Kyungsoo knows he’s never going to get over this unless he just  _talks to him_.  
  
But what kind of advice is that? What if he messes up again? What if, this time, instead of Jongin walking in on Kyungsoo figuratively wanking to videos of him, he just says something stupid to Jongin like, ‘Hi I think your body is the second coming of Jesus, please let me film everything you do,’ and Jongin gets so weirded out he hires someone to get rid of him?  
  
Kyungsoo rubs his eyes under his glasses.  
  
Every time he sees Jongin walk past him, all he wants to  _do_  is talk. He doesn't want to be the guy who just stares at him and runs away anymore.  
  
Maybe he  _will_  follow his advice.  
  
It isn’t till he’s running late (and literally running) for his next class that he actually talks to Jongin again. Well, he really has no choice. He doesn’t see Jongin behind the bend and runs  _smack_  into him before he can avoid it.  
  
He recognises Jongin through his whiplash, and sees his books scatter all over the floor.  
  
“Oh my god, I’m so sorry!”  
  
He hurriedly bends down to pick them, not caring any more that he’s late for his class. He gathers them all in one hand, a difficult feat with the strap of his bag falling down his arm. He shrugs it back into place and gets up, ready to hand Jongin’s belongings back to him. Jongin hasn’t said anything to him yet, but he’s looking at him as if he’s seeing Kyungsoo for the first time.  
  
Beside him, Sehun and Lee Taemin from the Magic and Mystery club, snicker in unison. Jongin’s still not doing anything and Kyungsoo’s heart drops to his stomach, and feels his face, his ears, his neck heat up with embarrassment.  
  
He doesn’t know what else to do so he just looks down and shoves the books roughly into Jongin’s hands and rushes away. His eyes burn but he tries to ignore it. He thinks he hears Jongin say, “you guys go ahead, I’ll catch up,” but he tries to ignore that too. Until–  
  
“Kyungsoo, wait!”  
  
He wills his body to keep walking, but his body is a traitor and so he stops in his tracks. He doesn’t turn around, but Jongin’s jogged to where he’s stilled and waiting, so he doesn’t have to.  
  
Kyungsoo left arm comes up to shelter his body, tugging slightly at the loose material covering his other arm. He’s biting his lip and makes no move to speak first. He doesn’t know what to say anymore anyway.  
  
Jongin takes a good long look at him and pants a little.  
  
“I’m sorry. That was– that was not what you might think okay. I’ve been trying to talk to you for  _days_  but you’ve always just run away, and then you were suddenly just, like, standing right there and I forgot everything I wanted to tell you.”  
  
Kyungsoo blinks, and blinks, and blinks.  
  
He takes about a minute to process what Jongin’s said, or maybe longer, he doesn’t really know, time is a weird concept and so is Jongin chasing him all the way down the hall to tell him that he’s been wanting to talk to him this whole time.  
  
Jongin looks really expectant and hopeful, and as just beautiful as ever. His breathing has slowed down, and Kyungsoo thinks he should hurry up and come up with an answer for him because he doesn’t want Jongin to change his mind and leave. But he finds that he just  _can’t_.  
  
Jongin must be really desperate – or confident – Kyungsoo can’t tell the difference, but he speaks again. This time, his voice is full of certainty.  
  
“Do you want to join me for lunch today?”  
  
 

* * *

  
  
Like one of his camcorders, his eyes pan the room and takes everything in. He hardly comes into the campus cafeteria, but he thinks this might be a worthy risk. He hopes it is.  
  
He’s already got his burrito, and its tucked into his sleeve making him look like he has a little burrito hand. It keeps his hand and his chest warm, and everyone on campus is weird anyway so he doubts he’d get any looks. He waits by the entrance, a little jittery. He can’t see Jongin anywhere, and for a second he thinks that maybe this is all some kind of prank and he’s actually never going to show up and he’s probably sitting somewhere with Sehun and even Baekhyun and maybe Lee Taemin from the Magic and Mystery Club just laughing at how Kyungsoo actually thought someone like Jongin would want to have lunch with someone like  _him_.  
  
“Hey, I didn’t think you’d show up,” a voice calls from right behind him.  
  
He turns around, a little shocked, to face the handsome face of Kim Jongin. He’s smiling, big and bright and Kyungsoo forgets everything he knows about everything. He looks a lot less disheveled than he had earlier, probably since he didn’t have to run like before. Kyungsoo notices for the first time today that there’s a bit of a red tint on his lips, and gold shimmer spread on his eyelids. He’s in a pink sweater again, oversized like his own and Kyungsoo blushes at the thought that they probably look like a little coupley.  
  
Well, he can dream.  
  
“I– yeah. Yeah, I showed up. I didn’t think you would.” His voice becomes higher on the edges, and he cocks his head to a side. Jongin laughs.  
  
“Of course I did. I invited you, remember?”  
  
 _Yeah, but…_  
  
Kyungsoo is still confused about that.  
  
“I haven’t got my food yet. Are the burritos here any good?” He points at Kyungsoo’s burrito hand.  
  
“Yeah, they’re okay,” he plays it cool, as if 70% of his diet doesn’t consist of the campus’ cheap burritos.  
  
“Lead the way then, Soo.”  
  
Kyungsoo blushes again. Why is it so different when Jongin calls him ‘Soo’ as opposed to Baekhyun? Then he remembers what Baekhyun looks like, and nods an answer to his own question.  
  
They walk side by side, Kyungsoo leading a little. Jongin swings his hands a lot when he walks. They both have sweater paws and Kyungsoo’s blush deepens yet again at how couple-like this feels. His finger tips could reach just two inches to his right and wrap around Jongin’s pinky.  _Get a grip, Kyungsoo._  
  
Kyungsoo sucks his cheeks in, then purses his lips, then relaxes. Then repeats. The warmth in his cheeks recedes a little.  
  
Jongin is watching him as they walk, side by side. Kyungsoo can feel his stare burn into the side of his face. He chances a glance at him, only to have Jongin avert his gaze last minute, and whistle casually.   
  
Well then.  
  
The Mexican place on campus has little to no patrons at this time, so getting Jongin’s order was quick work. Kyungsoo was ready to recommend something to him, this is his area of expertise he thinks, but Jongin’s already stepped up to the counter.  
  
“What did you get?” Kyungsoo asks out of curiosity while Jongin waits for his meal.  
  
“The vegan burrito bowl. It sounds pretty good.”  
  
“You’re vegan?”  
  
“I am,” he affirms, reaching out to grab his food from the part time worker behind the counter, who seems to be swooning.  _You and me both, man._  
  
He’s impressed that Jongin is vegan. He totally didn’t expect that.  
  
“Don’t worry,” Jongin says after a moment, as they start walking back out, “I’m not super intense about it or anything. I just really love animals and can’t imagine ever eating them. I used to be vegetarian, but then I thought, why not go the full length?”  
  
Kyungsoo listens, rapt. He looks down at the non-veg burrito snuggled in his sweater and feels guilty.  
  
“I don’t judge other people for eating meat, it’s totally fine with me.” Jongin says with a smile. “I just personally won’t do it… You know?”  
  
Kyungsoo nods in understanding.  _He’s so nice about it_ , Kyungsoo thinks. The Vegan Club hadn’t been so accommodating to him when they found out he  _wasn’t_  vegan. He had a really tough, traumatising time with them.  
  
Jongin keeps talking the whole time, and Kyungsoo feels his shoulders fall and heart beat slow. His ears are attentive but the rest of him is relaxed.  
  
“I have four dogs and two cats. I can show you pictures if you want, they’re  _so_  cute. They’re my angels. They live with my parents but I skype them every night just to see my babies.” Jongin laughs. “Don’t tell my parents that.”  
  
Kyungsoo laughs along too. Jongin’s laugh is highly infectious. He could probably get high on it.  
  
They stop near one of the open areas of campus. There’s a lot of people milling about, it’s lunch time after all, and he can vaguely make out Sehun’s figure in the distance, sitting with the other dancers. A little way to their left, he sees Baekhyun trying to catch grapes into his mouth, and Sooyoung purposefully aiming away from it.  
  
He shifts from one leg to the other, unsure of what to do now.  
  
When he looks back at Jongin again, the other is already staring at him, almost analysing him, and the look he has on his face makes Kyungsoo feel uneasy. He isn't sure what Jongin’s thinking, and he feels like he needs to break the tension by making some sort of joke or something, he wants to make Jongin laugh but he doesn’t know how appropriate that would be. He’s never been very good at reading situations.  
  
He just prays he doesn’t say or do anything stupid. He lists out socially-appropriate topics to talk about with Jongin in his head.  
  
Kyungsoo doesn't even notice Jongin’s expression soften to something more friendly, something warmer, till he speaks.  
  
“I don’t think you’d want to sit with any of my friends,” Jongin gives a cute little laugh and Kyungsoo’s insides turn into mush at the sound of it, “so we can go eat somewhere else, if you want.”  
  
“Okay.”  
  
A part of him is totally fine with just blindly agreeing to whatever Jongin has in mind at this point. A part of him dies because he’s forgotten everything not-stupid he can say to Jongin.  
  
It’s a little windy outside, and still quite cold, and Jongin brushes back his hair with his fingers, looking like he’s close to laughing at himself. Kyungsoo has a weird flashback to the first time he saw Jongin on his screen, doing exactly what he’s doing right now. And his heart dances violently in his chest.  
  
“Where do you usually have lunch?”  
  
“In the club room,” he blurts. Oh wow, Jongin is probably going to think he’s a creepy loner. “Usually. Sometimes… Yeah.”  
  
“Okay,” Jongin smiles and grabs him by the wrist. He leads the way to the club room and Kyungsoo’s glad his feet are working because his brain certainly isn’t. His hand is scorching under his sweater. Jongin’s hand is radiating so much warmth.  
  
They enter the club room, Kyungsoo’s sanctuary, and suddenly Kyungsoo is overwhelmed by the thought that this isn't just his sanctuary anymore. He’s invited Jongin in here, the man he’s been dreaming about for  _months_ ; and from within this room, too.  
  
Everything just feels so different, and Kyungsoo feels like a freshman walking into this room for the first time.  
  
Jongin seats himself in the same spot from last time: across from him. The atmosphere between them is different, it’s a lot more comfortable, and it feels like what happened earlier today was years ago. It’s a little weird, but Kyungsoo isn’t about to complain. Kyungsoo stops unwrapping his burrito halfway.  
  
“So…” He starts.  
  
“So,” Jongin echoes with a crooked smile, opening up his box and taking a bite.  
  
 _Jongin is so nice_ , he thinks. He’s too nice to him. Is he pretending? Why is he really here?  
  
He wants to apologise again.  
  
“Listen, Jongin… I–“  
  
He stops. His breath catches in his throat. Jongin looks at him thoughtfully, but doesn’t say anything.  
  
“Jongin. I’m really sorry about giving you so much trouble, before. I didn’t mean to… be so weird about everything.” He stops again, this time to recollect his thoughts. Jongin has a small smile on his face, and it isn’t mocking. He continues. “I just reallyreally _really_  lo–, no, admire your dancing. And your charisma. It’s  _insane_. You move like you own the world and I just think… Actually I don’t know what I’m saying, I’m rambling, I just really need you to know that I’m sorry for being so unprofessional and I didn’t mean any har–“  
  
“Kyungsoo.”  
  
He forces himself to stop staring at his nibbled fingernails and looks up. Jongin has the most earnest look on his face. And it’s so open, so reassuring, and Jongin has probably already forgiven him and he’s just overthinking it and making a mess of the situation again.  
  
They’re embraced by a silence, but Kyungsoo thinks Jongin looks too friendly for him to stop talking already.  
  
“You really like pink, then?”  
  
Jongin chuckles a little with his mouth full and Kyungsoo doesn't even find that disgusting. He’s so fucked.  
  
“You noticed, huh? Yeah. I love pink.” He shrugs, pouting around another mouth of his food. “It’s pretty.”  
  
Kyungsoo stops himself from saying “not as pretty as you” at the last moment. Jongin makes this face then like he knows exactly what Kyungsoo is thinking. The playful smirk widens and Kyungsoo dies a little inside. Thankfully he doesn’t say anything.  
  
He really wants to keep the conversation going, though.  
  
“Have you thought about that audition?”  
  
Jongin twirls his fork.  
  
“I. Yeah. I have.”  
  
He coughs. He looks like he’s rearranging a farrago of thoughts in his head, like he’s stitching up a messy patchwork and trying to make sense of it.  
  
“I think about it most of the time actually. It’s like my default thought, you know? Like when I’m not thinking of anything else, my mind doesn’t ever go into a blank, I guess? I don't know if I’m explaining this right at all.”  
  
“No, I understand.”  _I really do._  
  
“I just think about the ‘what if’s a lot, you know? I’m… really scared of that feeling where you look back on your life with so much regret. I also hate that this is just some impossible dream.”  
  
“I don’t think it’s impossible,” Kyungsoo says meekly. His opinion doesn’t matter, not really anyway, but he hopes Jongin might change his mind. He looked… sad. He thinks this look suits him the least.  
  
“Thank you,” he says bashfully.  
  
Kyungsoo sees his burrito lying on the table next to his keyboard, half wrapped, and lets out a small laugh. He’s forgotten all about his food.  
  
“Do you wanna try some of mine?”  
  
Jongin’s pointing to his burrito bowl with his plastic fork. Honestly, it does look kind of delicious. The weird tension from before has disappeared, and they’re back to being  _casual_  again. As casual as they can be, anyway.  
  
“Are you trying to convert me, Jongin?” He asks with a smile.  
  
Jongin laughs, loud and a little goofy, like he didn’t expect Kyungsoo to be playful with him. He hands Kyungsoo his food and says with a lilted tone, “no promises.”  
  
Kyungsoo takes a bite, and it actually is really good. He tries so hard not to think about the indirect kiss he’s just shared with Jongin. He doesn’t want this situation to be any more like the drama it already is. No wonder Baekhyun gets a kick out of this. He hands his food back to Jongin.  
  
He offers his own burrito to Jongin before he realises how dumb of a move that is.  
  
“No thank you, Kyungsoo,” he says with a sly smile.  
  
“I’m so stupid. Sorry.”  
  
“Hey,” he stops chewing on his food and his smile’s been replaced with the same seriousness from earlier today. “Don't ever say you’re stupid, okay? Even if you’re joking.” He pauses, properly swallowing his food. “‘Cause you’re not.”  
  
Kyungsoo nods, even if it’s just to appease him. He munches his burrito.  
  
 

* * *

  
  
It becomes a regular thing, their lunches.  
  
Kyungsoo doesn’t have classes every day, just on Mondays and Wednesdays, but he comes in every day to edit the last of the videos. He’s only got the dance club’s left, and Baekhyun deemed him responsible enough to edit the videos without playing bias.  
  
The dance team didn’t make it all the way to the finals, only bringing back with them a handful of gift vouchers, a measly certificate of participation and a sprained ankle, courtesy of Sehun kicking a makeup table in frustration.  
  
“I don’t get it… We were really good,” Jongin says, sitting backwards on his chair. His hands were propped up on the chair’s back and his head rests on top of it. There was a pout on his lips but it isn’t overtly sad.  
  
‘I know.”  
  
Jongin pouts even more.  
  
Kyungsoo takes that as his cue to keep talking.  
  
“Um, yeah. You guys are  _crazy_  good. The competition was obviously rigged. I watched all the videos closely, and there must have been some obvious favouritism, because there’s no way any of the other groups were better than you.”  
  
“Me?” Jongin smiles slyly, with a cute tilt of his head.  
  
“You… guys. You guys. All of you. The dance team, ‘you’. You in the plural.  _That_  you.”  
  
Kyungsoo makes a little frustrated sound from the back of his throat and Jongin laughs. Why is he so awkward?  
  
He can't quite wrap his mind around this thing, this Jongin-is-eating-lunch-with-him-everyday thing. He feels comfortable with him, uncomfortably so, and everyday he finds himself opening up more. Jongin’s voice alone envelopes him in a warmth that his sweaters could never give him.  
  
He shakes his head. When did he become this cheesy?  
  
Jongin’s loud laugh startles his attention back to him. He’s got his head thrown back and a hand clutching his stomach and feet stomping in the air like his laugh has taken complete control over his body. He holds his phone out to Kyungsoo and he’s absolutely  _wheezing_  and his hand alternates between pointing at his phone and slapping against his thigh.  
  
His laugh is so contagious and pure, and every time he laughs he looks so small and so cute so Kyungsoo obviously has to join in. Obviously, even if the jokes flies right over his head.  
  
Kyungsoo has no clue as to what Jongin is cackling at, but the corners of his mouth lift up anyway and soon enough he’s laughing too. It eventually dies down to steady giggles and loud hiccups and there’s tears in both of their eyes before Kyungsoo finally takes Jongin’s phone from his outstretched hand.  
  
Plot twist, Jongin has the weirdest sense of humour.  
  
He looks at the screen, trying to make sense of the photo. It’s some kind of meme,  _of course_  it is, a picture of sliced cucumber on top of bread with a caption that reads, “Made my man a below knee sang witch. John beat your meat!”.  
  
Is this another internet fad he’s missing out on? He is  _such_  a grandpa. He reads it out loud as if it would make more sense to him that way, but it only results in Jongin – who is still recovering from little, residual giggles – to break out into another fit of laughter. Kyungsoo laughs along too, confused, but feeling his heart swell a little bit more with affection.   
  
Jongin would get along too well with Jongdae. He makes a mental note never to introduce them to each other.  
  
It’s like this all the time. Kyungsoo works on his videos and Jongin is almost always there with him in the room. He doesn’t understand how Jongin hasn’t got bored of him yet, he hardly contributes to their conversations if he isn’t prompted by dangerously adorable pouts, and he doesn’t usually have anything interesting to say anyway. He regains a little bit of his sassiness around Jongin, the more they spend time together. A side-effect of comfort, he supposes.  
  
He’s even more surprised that Jongin wants to hang out with him even when his editing is finished.  
  
“So… What have you been working on?”  
  
They're in the club room, indoors on a day that would be considered too hot for winter. Jongin has a white t-shirt hugging his slim torso, and a pastel pink bomber jacket wrapped around his shoulders. Kyungsoo’s still got his sweater on. He’s been pulling out his less ratty looking ones ever since Jongin started coming over.  
  
Jongin waits for his answer, hands cupping his face while he looks at Kyungsoo in earnest.  
  
He isn’t sure if he should tell him about the video he had been editing just for fun, the one that features him in it. But then he thinks,  _fuck that_ , he already knows Kyungsoo loves his dancing, has already  _caught_  him watching videos of him dancing.  _And he’s still here._  He’s been here for weeks already.  
  
“Let me show you.”  
  
Kyungsoo turns his computer on, all the while explaining to Jongin about the video, just so he doesn't get the wrong idea. “It’s just a work in progress, and yeah, I used videos of you.” Jongin has rolled closer to him, and instead of looking a little creeped out like Kyungsoo had expected, he looks excited, happy. “It’s just something random I made to pass the time.”  
  
He stands up to close the blinds, flooding them with darkness. The room has the perfect balance of gloom and light; just enough daylight from the cracks in the blinds so he doesn’t trip over anything and just enough darkness to hide the effect that Jongin’s close proximity has on him.  
  
He plays the video, but he watches Jongin instead. The light from his computer screen bounces off of Jongin’s skin, and he is  _radiant_ ; his high cheekbones are highlighted and the shimmery shadow on his eyes are practically glowing, and he looks so perfect. Kyungsoo thinks he can’t be real.   
  
“Wow,” he mouths, once in a while, breaking away from his captivated gaze. Jongin is so expressive, so open with his emotions. Kyungsoo can almost tell which part of the video they’re at, just by looking at him.  
  
“Oh, I forgot I said that,” Jongin laughs rubbing the back of his neck. Kyungsoo figures he does that a lot when he’s feeling awkward. It’s really cute. “That was adlibbed, actually. I was kinda nervous.”  
  
Kyungsoo tears his eyes away from real Jongin, to look at the Jongin on screen. It’s from his favourite video of him at the beach. He looks more beautiful in person.  
  
“I think you’re perfect.”  
  
It was soft, but Jongin still hears it. He turns away from the video to look at Kyungsoo, and this time, he can’t tell what emotion that is in his eyes. Kyungsoo doesn't break the eye contact, even if he feels his eyes stinging a little. And Jongin looks small, smaller than Kyungsoo, and Kyungsoo would really,  _really_  like to kiss him right now.  
  
The video ends, and the light from the screen wanes. It’s a little too dark so it’s a little too ridiculous, the way they both start to squint in the dimmed lighting, so they both look away at the same time and laugh a little.  
  
He pulls the blinds open again and it’s a bit too bright now. He hears Jongin clear his throat from behind him.  
  
“Anyway, I’ve given a lot of thought to what you said before,” Jongin starts. “About that audition. You’re right. I think I’m going to go through with it.”  
  
Kyungsoo stands still by the window.  
  
“That’s great, Jongin!”  
  
He has no doubts that Jongin would be amazing. He is definitely going to get in.  _And then what?_  He doesn’t want to think about that yet. They’re not close enough for him to feel disappointed about Jongin touring other countries while he stays back here.  
  
He does feel happy for Jongin, he genuinely does, and any fleeting selfish thought he might have had is dispelled when he sees the happy expression on his face. He finds himself beaming at him too. Even his smile is infectious.  
  
“You actually helped me make that decision.”  
  
“I did?”  
  
“Yeah, you encouraged me. No one else has, really. They know I love dance, but not how  _much_. And you got me to really think about it… A lot. A lot, a lot. And… I think I owe it to myself to follow my dreams, you know?”  
  
Kyungsoo smiles. He does know.  _He really does._  
  
“I’m really glad, Jongin.”  
  
“Thank you,” there’s a pause, a question hanging in the air between them. Kyungsoo breaks it first, moving back to his seat.  
  
“When’s the audition again?”  
  
“April. But…”  
  
“But…?”  
  
“I have to get selected to audition.” Kyungsoo’s confused expression prompts him to keep talking. “I need to upload a video of my own original choreography online, on their website, and a bio video thing, I’m not entirely sure what it is but it’s kind of like… Just a video of yourself explaining why you love dancing?” He stops to laugh. “And not something half-assed like the video Sooyoung took. I mean– not that Sooyoung’s video was half-assed, I meant me, I didn’t even know what I was saying like ‘married to it’, like  _really_  Jongin?”  
  
He rambles a lot more than Kyungsoo does sometimes. But suits him a lot more too, he is really cute when he tries to explain his thoughts. Kyungsoo smiles at him. His fingers are itching again, folding and stretching.  
  
“So… A video?”  
  
“Yeah. Well, technically two videos I guess, but they can be in one video.”  
  
Jongin stops talking like he’s pondering on a thought. There’s a question on his mind, Kyungsoo can tell; it’s written in his hesitant expression. Kyungsoo’s heart thuds behind his ribcage. He has an answer ready before a question is even asked.  
  
“Do you think you can help me?”

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

 

 **April, 2017**  
  
“Why do you keep torturing yourself?”  
  
Kyungsoo pulls up his turtleneck over his mouth, so it covers half of his face. He huffs on it so it expands with hot air. He does this over and over as he keeps his eyes averted from Baekhyun and focused on his computer. His voice muffles.  
  
“Come on Baekhyun, I’ve already filled up my quota for today.”  
  
“Of?”  
  
“Talking to dumbasses.”  
  
He hears Baekhyun sigh. It sounds sad. He tries to ignore it.  
  
“You look like an egg.”  
  
“Jokes on you, eggs are nutritious,” he mumbles, still not looking at him.  
  
He’s sitting on the floor of his small living room, computer in front of him. This feels familiar, but different. The space next to him is empty, there’s no warmth pressed up against him. His laptop plays some foreign movie from an Indie film festival his lecturer is making him watch for a film review due yesterday, but he can’t pay attention to anything. He pulls his turtleneck back to place. His lips must look bruised with how much he’s bitten it. His fingers twiddle in an uncoordinated dance, and he’s about to cry but not really, and his mind is swimming around a thousand thoughts and he can’t pick one to focus on.  
  
Well, he can, but he’d rather not focus on  _that_.  
  
“Why don’t you just talk to him, Soo? Call him. Message him. Send a carrier pigeon, I don't know, just end your misery!”  
  
“So dramatic,” he rolls his eyes.  
  
Outside, everything is grey. It’s raining, and everything is grey. Everything is sad, and stupid, and grey.  
  
“Stop. Just stop that. Seriously.”  
  
Kyungsoo finally looks up at him. Baekhyun’s mouth is open slightly like a gun with its safety catch off, and his eyes are wild with frustration. Kyungsoo can relate. Sort of.   
  
“I’m just looking out for you, Soo.”  
  
“I know.”  
  
“He  _likes_  you.”  
  
Kyungsoo scoffs, and almost loses it. Almost.  
  
“Baekhyun. He does  _not_. He’s made that  _very_  clear.”  
  
Baekhyun just shakes his head like he thinks Kyungsoo is delusional. He is  _not_  delusional. He’s the only person in this room who’s actually got a firm grasp of reality. Sooyoung’s looking at him too, hands clasped together on her legs as she sits on his couch. Her expression is closer to sympathy than Baekhyun’s disbelief.  
  
“He  _likes_  you.” Baekhyun repeats, insistent.   
  
“Then why hasn't he called me? Or messaged me even.”  
  
“Oh I don’t know, maybe for the same reason  _you_  haven’t called  _him_ ”  
  
“Shut up, Baek, shut up.”  
  
“Hey, you’re the one who keeps calling me here.” He ignores Baekhyun’s soft murmur of ‘you should’ve called him instead’.  
  
His chest hurts again. He tries to ignore that too.   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
 **February, 2017**  
  
They board the bus heading to one of Kyungsoo’s favourite places, located on the outskirts of the city. It’s about an hour’s journey from their college, but it’s not unpleasant. It’s closer to the suburbs, a stone path away from his old high school, so he knows the place well.  
  
It’s at times like these that he wishes he had a car. He doesn’t know if the bus would be crowded or empty, dirty or clean, but regardless he had to be extra careful with his equipment. It’s Baekhyun’s too, and they’re smaller than the ones Kyungsoo uses on campus, so it’s perfect for when any of them have to travel.  
  
And they definitely get the job done.  
  
But then again… A car couldn’t provide him the close proximity he has with Jongin the same way a bus does. It’s somehow more intimate, and less awkward out here in public than it would be in a small compact space for the duration of an hour, with gear shifts and steady breaths between them.   
  
It’s getting warmer, a lot warmer; enough for him to swap out of the consuming comfort of his oversized sweaters for long sleeved tops or thin cardigans. His style is still so dreary next to all of Jongin’s baby pink radiance but he thinks they balance each other really well. He still lets his sleeves eat most of his hands but that’s because he’s afraid he’s not going to be able to stop himself from reaching out and touching Jongin whenever he stands close to him.   
  
Jongin is sleeping on the seat beside him. Kyungsoo has discovered that he’s the type of person who can sleep anywhere and through anything. And lately, Kyungsoo has become his weekend’s portable pillow.   
  
His head is resting against Kyungsoo’s shoulder, a result of Kyungsoo’s own doing. Jongin’s breaths were previously misting the windows and Kyungsoo reasons that, that is so unhygienic and it definitely looks very uncomfortable, and Jongin is a dancer so he shouldn’t sleep in a position that’ll give him cramps, and it’s in his duty of care to take care of him so really, he’s just looking out for him.  
  
He doesn’t think about how that’s a complete  _couple_  thing to do, to physically lead someone’s head to rest on their shoulder. His heart feels warm and cold at the same time because he would really like to be able to call Jongin his boyfriend instead of using stupid excuses to act like it.  
  
He shakes his thoughts away. Jongin is his  _friend_ , and that already is enough of a privilege and a blessing.  
  
Kyungsoo tries his best to steady his breathing and pretend Jongin isn’t curling his body on to his side. He looks beyond the top of his head, out the window. It doesn’t work for very long as a source of distraction. Outside, the trees and road signs and buildings and people zoom past and blur together and it only makes him feel dizzier. This is probably what the inside of his head would look like to an outsider.  
  
Jongin shifts next to him, and Kyungsoo becomes rigid. He’s afraid of making a single move, in case it would ruin the other’s peaceful slumber. He only repositions his body, mumbling while he loops his arm around Kyungsoo’s. It’s an unconscious action, Kyungsoo knows that, but it only adds to the cocktail of emotions inside him: surprise, embarrassment, delight, garnished with…  
  
 _Comfort…_  
  
No, not quite.   
  
 _Longing?_  Yes.  
  
He looks down at Jongin again. His shaggy hair has fallen over his eyes and his bottom lip juts out in a pout. There’s a little bit of drool sitting on the corner of his mouth. Their window is victim to the sun’s rays, so Jongin has most of his face covered by his collar and the rest covered by his slight frown. Leaning against him, he looks so soft, and he feels even softer.   
  
Kyungsoo tries to focus on anything other than his thunderous heartbeat, so he plugs in his earphones and drowns it out. He listens to the playlist Jongin made for him.   
  
 _It reminds me of you, Soo_ , he had said, a lingering smile shy on his lips,  _a little funky, a little smooth. There’s a mix of strong beats and softer ones. The songs just reminded me of you._  
  
Kyungsoo groans.  
  
 _I can’t_  escape  _him._  
  
It’s a really good playlist though, mostly RnB, jazz and some indie folk songs and he hates himself for listening to it every moment he could in the past week. He doesn’t really see how the songs could possibly remind Jongin of  _him_. He wasn’t confident like track number four, or rugged like track number two or mild or serene or anything. It helps him see how Jongin sees him, but the picture just doesn’t make sense to him, like seeing the odd shape of a person behind a fogged up glass.   
  
The bus dives over a steep speed bump, and the motion jolts Jongin awake. Kyungsoo panics momentarily. How would he react to waking up as an actual blanket for Kyungsoo? And on a public bus too.   
  
He’s still stuck in a trance, eyes wet and lips glossy, and he takes several moments to blink and yawn the sleep-smog away. Kyungsoo pulls out his earphones and waits with baited breath.   
  
Jongin shifts his head to look up at him. He’s still leaning his head against Kyungsoo’s shoulder, so that when he moves his face rubs against him. He doesn’t seem to realise they’re in public.   
  
“Hi,” he smiles. Kyungsoo doesn’t say anything, just in case Jongin is still actually asleep. But then he slowly extracts himself, his arms, his head, and he stretches in his seat. “Sorry I fell asleep on you. Literally.”  
  
“That's okay,” Kyungsoo’s voice sounds really embarrassing, like he’s swallowed a pencil and it’s just stuck there, halfway down his throat.  
  
“How long was I out?”  
  
“Maybe half an hour? Give or take.”   
  
Jongin hums.   
  
“Are we almost there yet?”  
  
“Almost,” he affirms with a smile. “I was listening to the playlist you made me.”  
  
Jongin grins wider and sits up in his seat. The pencil sticks its lead-tipped edge right on Kyungsoo’s vocal cords. He swallows it down.  
  
“Really? Do you like it?”  
  
“Like it? I love it! I… don't see how any of those remind you of me though. They’re all really beautiful,  _beautiful_  songs, but I don't really think they match my personality that well? I don't know,” he laughs lightly. Jongin’s cheeks colour a little. The sun has a really aggressive shine today, maybe he’s feeling a little hot. “Why did you pick these songs anyway?”  
  
“It’s a secret,” Jongin sticks his tongue out.   
  
Kyungsoo bites his lip to stop himself from smiling too wide. “Alright then. What’s your favourite song on the playlist?”  
  
“Oh! I like the third song the best.”  
  
Kyungsoo knows the playlist off by heart so he doesn’t need to check his iPod to see what song it is. “Why that song particularly?”  
  
“You don’t like it?”  
  
“No no, I love it,” he clarifies hurriedly. “I’m just asking you why it’s your favourite.”   
He fiddles with a loose string on his distressed jeans. He does love it. The song is a bittersweet one, powered with soulful, sugary vocals melding into somber lyrics. Kyungsoo listens to it before going to bed every night.   
  
“Well… I listened to it a lot after a kinda shitty breakup? It helped me cope sort of. I guess.”  
  
“Oh, I see.”  
  
“I feel like there’s a beautiful story behind it, full of pain, regret, acceptance… And, this might sound a bit pretentious, people usually say I sound pretentious when I talk about dance, but I want to show people my own story too. Through dance. I dance a lot to this song, actually. In my own time, I mean.”  
  
“You don’t sound pretentious. That’s really beautiful,” he pauses for a moment. “Sorry about your breakup.”  
  
“It’s cool. He was kind of a fuckboy, actually. And he sucked in bed.”  
  
Kyungsoo almost does a double take at that. He isn’t sure if this is just a side effect of just having woken up or if they’ve actually come to a point in their friendship to casually bring up old sex stories. Are they even friends? Sometimes they feel closer to being acquaintances than friends but then again Jongin’s made him playlists and Kyungsoo’s making him videos.   
  
His throat burns. He doesn’t want to think about anyone else seeing Jongin naked.   
  
But it’s not like he is his boyfriend so what right does he even have to feel even the tiniest bit like he does.  _Snap out of it_.  
  
He convinces himself to play it cool instead. So he jokes.   
  
“So… The song reminds you of a fuckboy you dated. And you put it in a playlist of songs that make you think of me?”  
  
He smirks when Jongin flusters.   
  
“No! No, that is– you  _completely_  missed the point Kyungsoo!”  
  
“I know, I know, I’m just teasing.” He doesn't have to pretend to laugh. “It’s a really good song.”  
  
Kyungsoo can’t be too sure, but he thinks he hears Jongin grumpily mumble, “I’m supposed to be the one who teases in this relationship,” under his breath.  
  
He points outside the window instead, excitement bubbling in his chest. The bus comes to a slow stop in the next second.  
  
“We’re here sleepyhead.”  
  
“I prefer sleeping beauty,” Jongin scoffs.  
  
“Okay, okay.” Kyungsoo is chuckling softly as he gathers all his bags. “Let’s get going, sleeping beauty.”  
  
They step out of the bus with little difficulty, even when Kyungsoo feels like he’s got fifty bags on his shoulders and in his arms. He is first hit with a beam of hot sunlight. There’s no telltale signs of winter anywhere. All Kyungsoo feels is the sun on his back, more intense with his layered clothing and bulky equipment bags.   
  
The next thing he feels is familiarity, and comfort, and  _home_. They’ve stopped by the town, and the usual quiet of the markets is replaced with a bustling energy of crowds pouring into the street to get a taste of the sun. The air is filled with the scent of sea salt and fresh fish, and roast meats, and love; a lot like what his parents smell like. It’s the freshest he’s ever felt in  _months_. He really should come out here more often.  
  
“Is this where you grew up?”  
  
“Mmm… Not quite. My home is closer to the train lines, still fifteen minutes away from here. But my high school is close by so I used to come out here a lot. There’s this one spot I really, really like. We’ll film there, it’s gorgeous.”  
  
Jongin nods, content. The light hits him at all the perfect angles, like they've personally sought him out. His cheekbones are lifted and his hair and eyes are bright and shiny and Kyungsoo thinks he’s probably looking at the sun directly. There’s no glitter or shimmer this time on his eyelids, just a thin black line to elongate his eye shape. It’s smudged in the slightest from when he was asleep, but he still looks sharp.  
  
“There’s good food here,” he keeps talking to distract himself from Jongin, as they trek down the familiar narrow stone path. “There’s even a few vegan options.”  
  
“That’s good,” his returning smile is radiant. “M’not really hungry at the moment, but the sound of a lunch date is reassuring.”  
  
A lunch  _date_.   
  
Really, it’s pathetic how his heart stutters at those words.   
  
The stones beneath his feet have turned into sand. They're close by.  
  
“I’d thought we’d be meeting your parents or something though.”  
  
“We could’ve. But they’re out of town right now, still on vacation.” He can see Jongin getting along so well with his parents, sitting and laughing with his mother while she fawns over him (he knows she will), chatting it up with his father, as he jokes in his gruff way. They've already taken a liking to that “eccentric young lad”, meaning Baekhyun, so he has no doubts they’d love Jongin even more.   
  
His thoughts are interrupted by Jongin’s small  _wow_ , and he knows they’ve arrived.   
  
It’s a small clearing, by the edge of a hill. It leads into a different hill, a smaller one. There’s a shadow of short trees, barely Jongin’s height, arching over like an entrance. It’s grassy, and there’s a little bit of sand from the beach below and the salt smell around them is stronger because of how close they’ve come to the ocean but they’re high above it. There’s no solid end to the clearing, there’s no fence stopping them from falling over and it’s particularly dangerous on windier days but days like this it’s–  
  
“Perfect,” Jongin voices.   
  
Kyungsoo hasn’t brought anyone out here before, it’s not like it’s really that romantic or anything, it’s mainly where he’d go if he needed a place to think or to forget or to get inspired. But it’s beautiful and it reminds him of everything he left behind at home when he moved to his apartment in the city and seeing Jongin grace the middle of the clearing makes it more special somehow, more intimate. Even more so than the bus ride here, and even more than the time he had taken Jongin into his club room before that.  
  
He feels like many of the walls he’d built up have been crushed to dust by the unassuming dancer in front of him, twirling around in the grass and testing out his balance in the final sifts of winter.  
  
He is briefly reminded of a time when he’s come out here and filmed short clips on his crappy old flip phone, right when camera phones became a thing. And now he’s here, with Jongin, both of them about to do the thing they love the most.   
  
He sets up his equipment while Jongin stretches, humming slightly to what Kyungsoo recognises as the song they were discussing on the bus. He keeps his eyes focused on his task so he doesn’t do anything irrational, like jump off the nearest cliff or take his pants off.  
  
There’s enough natural light; the sun is persistently shining from behind them. He doesn’t need to use his artificial lights for now.   
  
“Let me know when you’re ready, Jongin.”  
  
Jongin stops moving around to smile up at him. Kyungsoo clutches his video camera a little harder than he needs to before switching it on.   
  
“Ready when you are.”   
  
Kyungsoo nods, mostly to himself than to Jongin. He walks forward to position Jongin in the center.   
  
“So I’ll just have you standing, yeah, right about here.”  
  
Jongin moves obediently to where he’s gestured to. “Here?”  
  
“Yep. I’ll get you to dance first. Do you have any music you want to use?”  
  
“Track number three,” he smirks, and begins pulling his jacket off his shoulders slowly. Kyungsoo’s breath stops short as he watches. Jongin’s turned into a different person right in front of him. This is part of his performance.   
  
Kyungsoo nods to himself again and tries to get some feeling back in his fingers as he reaches for his phone and finds the song. He brings the volume bar up the loudest it can go, before pressing play.   
  
The effect is instantaneous, like Kyungsoo has switched Jongin on with a press of a button. Kyungsoo almost fumbles and drops his equipment when Jongin begins dancing, swaying at first to the slow tempo before spinning slowly as the beat picks up. He mimics playing a piano, in time with the instrumental. His arms then reach up to the sky and he waves them like he’s parting the clouds. His legs begin moving in cadence, coming up and going around him, cutting the air in half. The wind moves with him, parting his hair and ruffling his clothes like it’s part of the choreography.  
  
The lyrics come alive with the way Jongin’s hands pull at his shirt in agony, tugs at his hair in frustration, falls to his knees. His mouth opens in an exhale, remorse and acceptance molding into one expression: passion.   
  
Kyungsoo nearly drops the camera more than once. The pencil in his throat turns into cotton in his mouth. This is the first time he’s actually seen Jongin perform in front of him, a live show, and he feels like he’s cheating when he looks at him through his lens for most of it. He shivers a little, and maybe it’s just the cold breeze but he knows it’s because of the way Jongin moves.   
  
Jongin’s movements are fluid and static at the same time. There’s sharp edges and soft motions and it melts into the music and the breeze. He is perfect.   
  
Jongin’s shirt rides up and Kyungsoo’s will to live crumbles even more.  
  
 _Don’t pop a boner, don’t pop a boner, don’t pop a boner._  
  
Kyungsoo hates himself for wanting to see more of Jongin’s skin. He wants to know if the rest of his body as tan and beautiful too. It has to be; he has no doubts.   
  
 _Please don’t pop a boner._  
  
His body bends in the most impossible way, and Kyungsoo didn’t realise just how flexible Jongin is. His back arches and his head is thrown back along with one arm, like he’s reaching for something behind him, and Kyungsoo struggles to multitask when his mouth dries up and breathing begins to feel like a chore. Jongin stops in this pose, with his legs bent in a lunge and half his body bent back. The music has stopped too. He stops filming.  
  
“Holy shit.”   
  
It’s a whisper, but it gets Jongin’s attention. He straightens up, and gives Kyungsoo a small shy smile, completely different from his smirk from earlier. He’s like a different person when he isn’t dancing, as if he isn’t out to steal breaths and break hearts with the way he moves.  
  
“How did I do?”  
  
Kyungsoo takes a moment to find his voice.  
  
“You were… amazing. Wow. I don’t even, wow, I don't know what to say. That was amazing, Jongin. Wow.” He keeps repeating  _your dancing is amazing_  without even realising. Jongin’s smile falters a little, but then starts to grow.   
  
“Thank you, Kyungsoo. That means a lot. Did you manage to film it well?”  
  
 _Oh, well…_  
  
“Yeah, about that. We might have to do a couple more takes if that’s okay?” He leaves out the part that it was totally because he was too busy drooling to actually concentrate on filming. “Maybe get a few different shots and angles, you know.”  
  
“Yeah, that’s fine. It’s your call, director Do,” he fake-salutes to him, teasing. It does nothing to ease the hard thumping in his chest. He’s still grinning, like he  _knows_  exactly the effect he has on Kyungsoo. It’s becoming more of a problem than he anticipated.   
  
They film the same dance routine a few more times, this time getting some of his warm up on camera as well. Kyungsoo forces his eyes to stay focused on the video camera, and watches Jongin dance through the little screen instead of in person. He doesn’t think he could handle more of that. Not when he nearly loses it every time he sees a strip of exposed skin from where Jongin’s top rides up.  
  
He gathers a few really good shots in the end. There’s one where he’s maneuvered around Jongin so he wasn’t remaining stationary, and another where he’d got down on his knees so he filmed from below, like he was looking up at god.   
  
“These are really good actually,” he comments fast forwarding through his clips while Jongin warms down.   
  
“Really? That’s great.” His white t-shirt is soaked a little in sweat, and it clings on his body as he makes one final stretch. Kyungsoo would normally be grossed out but Jongin just looks so… Hot.   
  
He runs a frustrated hand through his hair and takes a deep breath.   
  
Jongin comes to a stop beside him.   
  
“So what now? Do you need any help carrying your stuff back?”  
  
“Actually, I should be fine carrying everything. I’m not going to turn off the camera though. I’ll film us walk back and get lunch, and I can interview you then as well. It’ll be like a vlog.”  
  
He’d got the idea from Baekhyun’s vlog. At least he’s good for something.   
  
Jongin pales slightly at his words, though. Kyungsoo remembers him mentioning how nervous and awkward he usually is talking on tape.  _You just don't know who’s watching it, you know? And what if you regret it in 20 years but you can never erase it because there’ll always be cyber traces. And I never sound good on camera,_  he had said. Kyungsoo disagreed with him, of course, he sounds very cute both on camera, and off camera.   
  
Kyungsoo finds it weird, but strangely relatable. While he himself doesn’t like talking to strangers, Jongin doesn’t feel comfortable talking to a camera.  
  
“Hey, don’t be nervous. It’s just me, okay. Just pretend there’s no camera, and you’re talking to me. Just you and me.”  
  
Jongin laughs. It has an uneasy edge to it. He then mutters, “and you think that’s helping me?”   
  
Kyungsoo almost doesn't hear it. His heart pounds louder, loud enough to drown out the sea in the background, he thinks. He doesn't know what he means by it – does he hate him? Like him? – but he’s sure it’s just something that he let slip in his jittery, nervous haze.   
  
“Are you alright?” He asks for good measure. He stops recording momentarily.  
  
“I’m… I’ll be fine. I don't really know why the thought of just talking makes me nervous. I mean, I can't say it's stage fright because I love being on stage. I love performing. But talking… I'm not so good at that. “  
  
Jongin sighs. It’s a little shaky.  
  
“And not to mention, this might be the biggest audition of my life, and I can’t screw it up. God.”   
  
“It’s alright, Jongin,” he brings up a hand to touch Jongin. It’s tentative, but has Jongin leaning closer to it. “Just try and think of it as part of your performance. It’s okay to be nervous. If you mess up, we can always film again. You’re going to do great. You always do.”  
  
Jongin bites his lower lip. He releases it slowly and smiles. Kyungsoo gulps. He takes his hand back.   
  
“Thank you, Kyungsoo,” he exhales. “I mean it. Thank you. For everything. You didn’t have to help me out with this, I know you have school stuff and everything and I’m sorry that I’m taking up your weekends, but you’ve been the biggest support. Thank you.”   
  
Kyungsoo just smiles at him. He has a million things he wants to tell him but he doesn’t think  _I would do anything for you_  is something an acquaintance-sort-of-friend would say.   
  
“Just remember me when you’re famous,” he says instead, and nudges him playfully. “Let’s get started. Are you ready?”  
  
Jongin nods.   
  
 

* * *

  
  
“That wasn’t so bad was it?”  
  
Jongin shakes his head, trying to hide the small grin on his lips.  
  
It’s been quite the day. Kyungsoo feels light, a feather in the breeze. The sun is asleep, and so are the moon and stars, so their only source of light as they walk back to the bus stop are the tall lampposts. It’s getting cold again. Kyungsoo burrows into his cardigan. He looks over at Jongin, who’s walking blindly with his eyes closed and smile wide on his face.   
  
More than once, he almost reached out and took Jongin’s hand, imagined pressing his lips to the back of it and watching Jongin smile slowly and blush.   
  
He thinks about it right now; he doesn’t act on it of course, but he thinks about it. Jongin looks as beautiful with the night sky above him as he does under sunshine.   
  
Kyungsoo’s sigh is loud in the quiet of night, but it’s content. It’s been a long day, but a good one.   
  
“So, what exactly will the end result look like?”  
  
“It’s a surprise,” he sings playfully. Jongin just hits him on the shoulder. “Alright, alright, please stop hitting me. You’re gonna need these arms after all.”  
  
“Damn right I will.”   
  
Kyungsoo’s fingers freeze on the strap of his bag for a moment. Is he… flirting?  
  
“I mean, I sure as hell don’t trust Baekhyun to edit these videos,” Jongin adds, his tone wobbling in slight awkwardness. His hand comes up to rub the back of his neck.  
  
“Right. Good, yeah. That’s a smart move.”  
  
They fall back into an awkward kind of silence, thick and tense.   
  
Kyungsoo’s battery is close to dying but he has most of the film he needs. Jongin’s nerves calmed down considerably the more he spoke and by end he had been completely comfortable in front of the camera.  
  
He confesses though, it was hard for him to keep a steady hand on his camera sometimes, too enthralled by whatever Jongin was saying, too captivated by the curve of his lips and the way his eyes dipped when he laughed.   
  
More than once, he is ashamed to admit, he nearly dropped his camera. Jongin had only raised his eyes at this, but he seemed to have grown in confidence after that.  
  
It had been easy having a conversation with Jongin that way, because in his head he kept thinking,  _this is for Jongin, do it for Jongin_  and he was too caught up in filming that he didn't even realise they had been talking non-stop the entire time.  
  
Kyungsoo played Jongin’s unofficial interviewer for the day as well. He’ll edit his voice out later (because he’s sure it cracked more times than he’d like to admit) and he’ll add text to the final video instead, but he’s just had the longest conversation he’s ever had with Jongin – with anyone, really – and he’s reeling.   
  
He’s discussed the questions he was supposed to ask Jongin with him beforehand, the kind the judges would like to hear Jongin talk about, so that they would both be prepared. He had even practiced asking himself in the mirror, but when it came to it, he still found it hard to keep his voice cool and composed. Which is ironic, because Jongin was the one who had actually been anxious about how he’d sound recorded.   
  
He turns his head to Jongin, who still has his gaze plastered to his feet. There’s a light dusting of pink on his cheeks, but he can’t be too sure, it’s a little too dark to tell. He’s glad Jongin isn’t looking at him, his eyes probably betray his fondness for him.   
  
And Jongin is just so expressive. At one point during the day, he laughed so hard he clutched his stomach and came close to falling off his chair. Kyungsoo had trembled with laughter too, so the video is barely usable. Kyungsoo wonders now if he could somehow keep it on the final version, maybe the judges would fall in love with his laugh too.   
  
 _Love?_  
  
That can’t be it, not yet. His stomach twists in knots and his heart prickles at the thought. He’s fallen in and out of love with Jongin the dancer, the silhouette on his computer screen, the laughing boy on the beach, someone he could never have, someone he didn’t even know.   
  
But he can’t fall in love with this Jongin, this Jongin is his  _friend_ , and Kyungsoo’s only here to help him get his audition.   
  
A sudden realization stops him in his tracks.   
  
Is Jongin just using him for his videos?  
  
Kyungsoo bites his lip, hard. That can’t be right, they were  _friends_.   
  
But are they really? Are they more? Less? Kyungsoo has never been so unsure. Jongin says and does a lot of things that confuse him, says and does a lot of things that border on  _more_  than friendship, and then sometimes _less_. But it doesn’t make sense to him. Nothing makes sense to him. He’s just a guy who spends all his days making videos, so what other reason would he possibly have than to flatter Kyungsoo with  _more than friendship_  so that he would want to help him out?   
  
 _But maybe he actually likes you too._  
  
No. No, that is a ridiculous thought. There is no way Jongin likes him.   
  
But he’s made a fucking playlist for him, he’s had lunch with him every chance he could, he sends him funny texts and pictures of his pets in the dead of night.   
  
 _I would do anything to dance. I would give up everything._  He had said that. On tape, for his audition. Jongin would do anything to dance.   
  
“Hey,” Jongin has stopped walking, standing under a warm spotlight cast by one of the streetlights: an angel. “Are you okay? You seem a bit troubled?”  
  
Kyungsoo takes a moment to distinguish Jongin’s real voice right in front of him, to the one replaying in his head.   
  
No, Jongin is  _nice_. He is as caring as he is kind. He’s an open book full of emotions and Kyungsoo thinks he is possibly the best person he knows. He wouldn’t be like that. He’s a good friend.   
  
“It’s nothing, Jongin. Just tired I guess.”  
  
“Do you want me to carry you?”  
  
Kyungsoo laughs airily. “No thank you, Jongin.”  
  
He’s definitely overthinking this.   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
 **March, 2017**  
  
“Are you ready to do this?”  
  
They’re sitting on the floor of Kyungsoo’s small living room. There’s empty takeout boxes and empty beer bottles (of Jongin’s choice) caging them in the tiny space, their backs propped up against Kyungsoo’s couch. In the background, he hears the slight  _tickticktick_  of his oven’s timer; the cake Kyungsoo made to celebrate submitting the video. It was his first time making vegan friendly cake. He’s a little worried about how that’ll turn out.  
  
He’s mostly aware of the side of Jongin’s thighs rubbing against his, the other’s leg going  _up and down, up and down_  in his stress. Kyungsoo takes a sip of his beer and tries not to think about the contact too much.  
  
Kyungsoo’s finally swapped out his glasses for contacts, and he praises every god because he can finally look at Jongin without having to adjust the specs on his nose every five minutes. And Jongin can look at him without a glare reflecting on it’s surface. He’ll bare the occasional dryness if it means there’s no extra surface standing between him and Jongin.   
  
Really, it works out.   
  
His laptop is stationed on the coffee table in front of them. The cursor hovers over the ‘upload’ button, and Kyungsoo’s got his finger poised and ready. He’s just waiting for Jongin’s word.   
  
“I’m kinda nervous? I don’t know, I’ve thought about it a lot, obviously, I think about this all the time but I feel like I’m not ready still. That’s probably it, I’m not ready yet, and my parents don’t want me to do this anyway and they’re probably right maybe I shouldn’t do thi–“  
  
“No, don't do that. You  _are_  ready, Jongin. You’ve come this far already. I don’t mean no disrespect but, fu–  _screw_  what your parents think at this point. The way you move… It’s like you were born to dance,” Jongin looks at him intently, but Kyungsoo continues. He doesn’t mention how much of his own time went into making the videos; this isn’t about him. “They’d be stupid to reject you.”  
  
Jongin inhales and exhales deeply, eyes closed. He’s not wearing any makeup today. He still looks beautiful.   
  
Kyungsoo watches him come to a silent decision, nodding to himself once, twice, slow but sure.   
  
“Do you want to?” He gestures to his laptop.   
  
Jongin shakes his head. “You should do it. They’re your videos after all.”  
  
Kyungsoo doesn't try to argue with him, in case he changes his mind and becomes a nervous wreck all over again. He just smiles at him, mouths a small ‘ok’, and hits the upload button.  
  
It’s a bit anti-climatic, for all Jongin’s endless pacing and stress-eating, because now they sit and stare at the blue loading bar move sluggishly.  
  
“Almost there,” Kyungsoo mutters jokingly. The bar was only at 17%.  
  
Jongin is fidgety next to him. He remains silent, but he’s making a lot of noise with his body with how much he’s shaking. His hands are trapped under his thighs, like he’s afraid he’d knock over Kyungsoo’s laptop if they were free.   
  
“ _Ohmygod I can’t do this._ ” He breathes out suddenly, pulling his hands out and lunging towards the laptop.   
  
Kyungsoo anticipated this, and grabs a hold of him before he could do anything. He pulls him back into place, a little rough, but it settles him down a little bit. His arms are still around Jongin, and chest tightens and mouth goes dry because it feels so good holding him like this. He doesn’t let go, not yet, maybe because he’s selfish but maybe because he can feel Jongin physically deflate as he calms down.   
  
When the other’s breathing steadies, he thinks it’s okay to let go. He begins to pull away, only to have Jongin to reach out and pull his hand into his.   
  
“Sorry.” His eyes are wide like he can’t believe what he did, and he retracts his hand slowly. Kyungsoo decides in the next second that it feels too nice, too soft, and he’s waited too long for an excuse to hold his hand so he gently folds his fingers over Jongin’s, interlocking their hands together.   
  
He smiles at him reassuringly, and stops himself at the last moment from pulling their hands up to his lips so he could kiss Jongin’s.  _You’re his_  friend, he reprimands himself,  _you’re here to comfort him_. He smiles.   
  
He needs someone to comfort  _him._  
  
Kyungsoo slides down a little so he’s resting his head on the couch. Jongin does the same. This way they can’t see the laptop in front of them, and the video that’s loading. There’s a dull thudding in his head: his pulse. He can hear the blood rushing in his ears, so he listens to it intently, trying to ignore the warmth next to him.  
  
He opens his eyes and looks up at the ceiling. There’s cracks along the corners, and the plaster is torn and the paint is chipped. He needs an upgrade.   
  
Jongin sits back up against the couch and sighs. Kyungsoo follows. Jongin still hasn’t let go of his hand; his hold on him gets tighter. Their linked hands rests just above Jongin’s thigh, on the little dip of space between them. He isn’t shaking anymore, but their wrists are connected and Kyungsoo can feel Jongin’s erratic pulse. Or maybe that was his own.  
  
Kyungsoo’s breathing falls short when he feels Jongin’s fingers play with his absentmindedly.  
  
“Kyungsoo.”  
  
He hums a reply. The bar jumps from 74% to 75%.  
  
“I don't think I can thank you enough for this.”  
  
Kyungsoo’s blood is hot under his flushed skin. His hand feels tight in Jongin’s grip, knuckles white over Jongin’s golden complexion. It feels right. It just feels so, so right. Having Jongin so close to him, pressed up next to him, hand in hand. Kyungsoo wants to cry. Why can’t he have this forever?  
  
“Kyungsoo?”  
  
He hums again. He knows his voice will betray him if he speaks now.   
  
“Dance with me.”  
  
“What?”  
  
Kyungsoo almost does cry when Jongin lets go of his hand, but it’s only for a moment. He’s standing up and dusting his jeans, before stretching his hand out again for Kyungsoo to grab on to. He looks up at him, and he’s sure he looks a little pathetic and confused, but Jongin’s got a pretty smile on his face and he just wants to be ruined. He’s a little weary, but he reaches up and lets Jongin pull him up.   
  
He’ll just let this happen. He can pretend for a day that this is real between them. Come Monday, he’ll probably never hear from Jongin again. Their work together was over, and Kyungsoo was going to go back to his life and Jongin to his. Maybe if Jongin gets accepted and moves away, he’ll have plenty of time to get over him.   
  
He doesn’t notice Jongin stalk closer to him, and all too suddenly, he’s right in front of him, his body so close that Kyungsoo can feel the heat radiating from him. He’s never been  _this_  close to Jongin before, so he notices things he hasn’t before. There’s a scattering of moles around his neck, a small constellation of beauty spots, and Kyungsoo’s never wanted to kiss the stars this much.   
  
“I can’t dance,” his voice chokes. He’s too dazed to feel embarrassed about it.  
  
“Everyone can dance. Come on.”  
  
Jongin’s face was so close to his. The hand he has placed on Jongin’s shoulder is itching to move to his face, to see if his skin is as soft as it looks. They start swaying slowly, Jongin taking the lead.   
  
“There’s no music,” he whispers. He’s afraid if that he’s too loud, this illusion will shatter.  
  
“We don’t need music,” Jongin replies. His arms wrap themselves loosely around Kyungsoo’s waist but he’s never felt more secure in his life. His hands tighten their hold on Jongin’s shoulders.   
  
Jongin continues to move them both slowly, his grip tightening. They’re so close he can feel Jongin’s breath fan over the top of his forehead. It’s stifling, but at the same time he just wants to get closer, he wants to feel warmer.  
  
Kyungsoo feels like he’s standing by the edge of a cliff, above deep and dangerous waves crashing against sharp rocks. He looks up at Jongin, delicate and beautiful, almost haloed by the light from his ceiling. He takes a step closer to the edge, closer to Jongin. He wants to test those waters.  
  
Jongin’s looking at him. His gaze is intense, but vulnerable too, open, and Kyungsoo thinks this is the only chance he’ll ever get. He presses his fingers against Jongin’s neck the same time he feels Jongin’s hands clutch firmly on the back of Kyungsoo’s jumper, drawing him against his body, leaving no space between them.   
  
The oven’s alarm goes off, and the spell is broken. Kyungsoo curses every god he can think of when Jongin backs away from him, like he is poison. The air around them becomes lighter and his head becomes lighter still.  
  
“I’ll go get the cake,” he says stupidly, if anything but to fill up the silence. Jongin just nods rapidly, his eyes looking everywhere but him.   
  
He walks into the kitchen, his movements robotic like he’s manually programmed himself there, and stops himself from kicking the shit out of his oven. He puts on his mitts more aggressively than he needs to and pulls open the door with more force than required. He pulls out the cake and leaves it on a tray to cool. It looks stupid. Everything looks stupid. He’s so stupid.   
  
He kicks the oven door shut and throws his mitts to some far corner of the room and stews alone in the kitchen. He rests his arms on either side of the dreaded thing and he’s _fuming_.   
  
“Seriously,  _fuck you_ ,” he hisses at it.   
  
He hasn’t had enough time to even catch up to what happened in the other room. Did he really think he was going to kiss Jongin? How could he have been so naïve? Jongin doesn’t _want_ to kiss him like that.   
  
He remembers Jongin dipping down slowly, eyelids slipping shut. No. If anything, that was all out of pity.   
  
And god, Kyungsoo was seriously pitiful.   
  
Jongin is probably playing into Kyungsoo’s little crush, now that he doesn’t really have any use for him. His chest feels tight, ribs constricting around his lungs and heart till he feels like he’s suffocating. His head is pounding.   
  
He doesn’t hear Jongin enter the kitchen till he’s clearing his throat. Kyungsoo braces himself and turns around.   
  
Jongin looks exactly how he’d expected to look. Guilty. Kyungsoo’s throat burns.  
  
“Soo, I–“  
  
“We don’t have to talk about it.” He’d rather not, anyway. He doesn’t think he can handle rejection right now. Not right now. Not after that. He opens the cupboard and gets out two plates. He almost shatters them on the floor. His hand is shaking.  
  
“But I think you should know–“  
  
“The cake’s ready, Jongin. Do you want a piece?” He cuts him off. Jongin is taken aback by his loud volume, the desperate tone. But he composes himself and nods.   
  
Kyungsoo’s already got a plate out and a piece of his cake sitting on top of it before Jongin can even say ‘sure’. He cuts a piece for himself as well, just to keep himself occupied. He takes a bite of his piece and Jongin follows suit. It tasted disgusting.  
  
“This tastes very good, Kyungsoo.”   
  
He sounded so formal.   
  
Kyungsoo chokes on his laugh and just takes another bite.  
  
 

* * *

  
  
They still talk. They still hang out too. Kyungsoo had been really surprised that his phone buzzed with a text notification the very next day. They slowly fall back to their same routine, and Jongin comes over to his apartment for their regularly scheduled movie nights and still visits him in the club room when he can. Kyungsoo thinks he must be such a complete masochist to want to get close to Jongin again.   
  
He’s with Baekhyun in the club room when he gets a series of weird texts from Jongin.  
  
 _are you in the club room?_  
  
 _I need to you see you_  
  
 _alone_  
  
 _its urgentish_  
  
 _btw here’s that video you wanted! ;)_  
  
Kyungsoo is perplexed by the texts and their varying levels of distress. Why did he need to see him now? And why alone? Well, he would prefer to be alone with Jongin than with Baekhyun in the room wiggling his eyebrows, but his timing is really weird. It’s in the middle of the afternoon and Jongin should be in class, what could he possibly want with him now?  
  
The attachment Jongin’s sent finally loads on his phone. He’s confused by the thumbnail at first, it’s very blurry, but he plays it and immediately knows what it is. It’s a video of when they were filming for Jongin’s audition clip, Jongin had seen a dog pee on a fire hydrant and he was so amused that he needed to film it. He tried to use Kyungsoo’s camera for it too, but Kyungsoo had threatened to send the dance company videos of the dog instead of Jongin dancing.   
  
His chest tightens again at the memory. He smiles.  
  
“What the heck,” Baekhyun peers around his shoulder at the video, “is that what Jongin’s going to do to you? Wow you guys are really kinky.”  
  
“Back the fuck up Baek,” Kyungsoo growls. He punches him in the throat just because. “And shut up or I’ll pee on everything you love.”  
  
“Sooyoung isn’t into that, Kyungsoo,” Baekhyun just wheezes in reply, clutching his throat. “So violent.”   
  
He leaves before he could get more hurt, and Kyungsoo shoots a quick text to Jongin.   
  
 _Yeah, I’m here._  
  
Kyungsoo can’t really concentrate much after that. Not like he’s been able to really focus on any task recently. He opens up his unfinished assignments, a film review due in a week and two research essays the week after that. He doesn’t think he can write anything but legible gibberish right now, so he just gives up for the moment and finds credible sources for his reference lists instead.  
  
He’s leaning back on his seat with a pencil balanced between his top lip and nose, when he hears an amused voice near the door.  
  
“Having fun?”  
  
Kyungsoo sees Jongin from the corner of his eyes and splutters, making the pencil fall. He rushes to sit upright like a normal person and probably just ends up looking like a spaz. He fixes his hair, not that it needed much fixing, it was very short and stiff already. Much like him. He hides his hands in his sleeves before finally looking up at Jongin.  
  
He is taken back to the day he first met him. Jongin’s standing there, leaning his weight against the doorframe just like he had all those months ago, and he crosses the threshold with the same confidence.  
  
The only difference is the look on his face. Kyungsoo doesn’t know what emotion it is, and it’s definitely more than one, there’s happiness, relief, a bubbling excitement and then something else entirely, he doesn't know, but it has the same effect it’s always had on him. Jongin is so beautiful and Kyungsoo reminds himself to keep breathing, tells his heart to keep beating and his eyes to stop watering.   
  
The next second, Jongin enters the room and walks rapidly towards him, a flurry of baby pink and bright, wide smiles. Kyungsoo has no idea what’s happening till he’s being pulled up and into a tight embrace. He’s frozen, a little bit in shock and completely blanking on what to do except to squeeze back. His breath hitches when Jongin’s arms tighten around his shoulders, and he feels his staggered breathing against his neck.  
  
Jongin’s lips are against his neck, they're just resting on his skin like a barely-there kiss and he must surely feel how hot he is, how hot he’s getting. He mumbles something against the side of his neck and Kyungsoo trembles involuntarily.  _This is not real, this is not happening_.  
  
“What?” He forces himself to pull out of Jongin’s arms to look at his face. He was beaming, brighter than any sunny day. He bites his lips like he’s trying to contain it, and Kyungsoo watches the movement, entranced. He only then realises that Jongin is trembling.  
  
“I said, I got in.”   
  
He takes a moment to register the words.  _Got in…?_    
  
 _Oh._  
  
Kyungsoo must have been taking too long to react because Jongin’s face falls a little and his grip loosens. He presses his hands flat against Jongin’s back so he couldn’t step away any further, and feels his stoic face crumble into a soft smile.  
  
“Congratulations! I knew you were going to get in. You’re amazing, I’m so prou– Mmf!“   
  
Kyungsoo is cut off by a mouth on his, hot and wet and needy. His eyes are still open but his vision blurs and he’s so stunned. He can’t move at all.   
  
Jongin’s hands cup the sides of his face as he kisses him fervently, and he finally closes his eyes and lets it happen because it feels so good and he’s waited so long but it makes no sense at all. Kyungsoo’s hands are still on Jongin’s back, and he only realises this when he feels his fingernails scrape the inside of his palms through the material of his t-shirt.   
  
Kyungsoo finally moves his mouth, opens it slightly so he could kiss back.  _This is not real, this is not happening_. Jongin makes a pleased sound in the back of his throat for half a second before his entire presence is replaced by a cold draft and Kyungsoo is left grabbing at the spot Jongin was in.   
  
“Oh my god,” Jongin’s back-steps, and through Kyungsoo’s fuzzy and dazed mind, he can see the frantic expression on his face. “I’m so sorry, I’m so so sorry, oh god I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to do that, that wasn’t what I came here for, oh god what did I do, oh god–“  
  
“Jongin, what?”  
  
“I’m s– I’m just gonna go. I’m sorry. I’m just gonna go.”   
  
Jongin has rushed out the door before Kyungsoo could even say or do anything else. He isn’t sure what just happened. Did that just happen? He doesn’t even feel like he’s even in the room right now; he thinks he’s actually looking into the room from outside, into an awful nightmare version of reality. But then he feels the sting in his lips and ghost-like touches along his neck and he knows his reality  _is_  the nightmare.   
  
The room is suddenly as empty as he feels inside. He is ice-cold all over, as if the flush of Jongin’s skin pressed against him never happened. He kind of wants to throw up or cry or run after Jongin or run away, far, far away, but he doesn’t do any of that.   
  
He calls the first person he thinks of.   
  
The phone rings once, twice, and he’s starting to get anxious because the longer he has to wait, the longer he’s left alone with his own thoughts. His thoughts really aren’t his ally at the moment.   
  
Baekhyun picks up on the fourth ring.  
  
 

* * *

  
  
“Why do you keep torturing yourself?”

 

 


	4. Chapter 4

 

**April, 2017**  
  
Baekhyun’s voice is a constant echo in his head. His words ring in his ears every time he doesn’t eat, every day he spends lying in bed or on his couch doing nothing, every time he hates himself and feels pathetic and useless and pitiful.   
  
 _Why do you keep torturing yourself?_  
  
He wishes he could go back to just being Jongin’s friend. What a simpler time that was. He wishes it could just be some weird unrequited crush thing because at least then he had been able to hang out with Jongin as friends. Now they’re nothing but strangers. Worse than strangers: Jongin is avoiding him.   
  
Baekhyun and Sehun and Sooyoung think otherwise.  _He’s practicing for his audition_ , they keep telling him,  _he’ll come around soon._  
  
 _He_  likes  _you_.  
  
But it’s close to two weeks and he hasn’t received a single text from Jongin, so what the hell is he supposed to think really?   
  
He still can’t bring himself to hate Jongin. It would be so much easier to hate Jongin. But he isn’t in the wrong. Kyungsoo hates _himself_. He’s known forever that Jongin wouldn’t want someone like him, since the start he’s wondered why Jongin even stuck around as his friend.  
  
That doesn’t mean it hurts any less.  
  
He’s lying down on his couch, tracing shapes on his ceiling because he can’t concentrate on anything else. He hears a knock. It’s insistent and loud, but Kyungsoo doesn’t bother dragging his body to the door. He traces Jongin’s smile in the ragged tears of the plaster, and Jongin’s frown in the cracks, and his hair in the chips of paint.  
  
He laughs hollowly. Maybe he just needs to renovate this place.   
  
Outside, it rains heavily. It’s cold, and he doesn’t bother to turn the heating on in his apartment because he probably won’t feel it anyway. His mood matches the grey skies. Everything is grey. Everything is sad, and stupid, and grey.   
  
He hasn’t gone out much apart from his classes, and he tries to concentrate on handheld camera techniques than let his mind drift to the day Jongin kissed him by  _mistake_  and ran. He tries taking cohesive notes instead of thinking about what he could have done different, what he could have done better.  
  
But it never works.  
  
His sleeves start to come loose with how much he’s been pulling at them.  
  
The knocking becomes more urgent and more frantic and Kyungsoo closes his eyes and tries to focus on the splatter of rain against his windows. It doesn’t drown it out. Kyungsoo pulls at his hair, frustrated.   
  
“Go away Baekhyun!” He says to his door, voice croaky from disuse. The knocking stops and there’s a voice replacing it, but it’s muffled by the wood. The voice must have asked something because when Kyungsoo doesn’t answer, the knocking from before turns into pounding, and he thinks that if he doesn’t open the door now, he would not have a door to be left with.  
  
“Fine!” He shouts, swinging his legs over and stomping to the entrance. The knocking has finally seized and Kyungsoo has half a mind to walk away, but he unbolts the locks instead and swings the door open.  
  
“Baekhyun, I told you to–“  
  
 _Oh._  
  
It’s not Baekhyun. It’s definitely not Baekhyun.  
  
“Hi.”  
  
Jongin is standing at the entrance, shifting from foot to the other nervously. He is completely soaked, and he looks as bad as Kyungsoo feels.   
  
But still so beautiful.  
  
It isn’t fair. Kyungsoo feels his insides flare up in anger.  
  
“Why are you here?”  
  
Jongin flinches, and Kyungsoo feels a little horrible inside. Only a little.   
  
“I came here to explain myself.”  
  
His voice sounded really small, and he looked even smaller. His eyes were wide and he was shivering slightly. His wet hair fell over his forehead, droplets of water dripping on Kyungsoo’s welcome mat. He must be freezing in his clothes. Kyungsoo contemplates just swinging the door shut in his face but doesn’t. Jongin sniffles and he momentarily forgets why he’s even angry.   
  
 _This is starting to feel like a really stupid movie cliché._  
  
He opens the door wide and stands beside it, leaving room for Jongin to come in. Jongin still looks unsure, so he gestures his head as if to say, ‘okay, come in’. Jongin walks in slowly like a wounded puppy and Kyungsoo fights really hard to stay calm.  
  
Kyungsoo doesn’t say much to him till he’s dried up, just silently hands him a fluffy towel and a dry set of clothes. He’s turned the heater on so Jongin doesn’t get pneumonia or something. He still doesn’t feel anything.  
  
They’re both sitting on opposite ends of his couch now, Kyungsoo fiddling with his sleeves, Jongin drying his hair in silence. He almost expects this to be a joke, to find hidden cameras in the crevices of his walls, or for Jongin to spring up and run off again. He thinks of the last time they were here, on this spot. They had almost kissed back then…   
  
Would he have run away that time? He isn’t sure if Jongin even actually likes him. He isn’t sure about anything.  
  
 _He_  likes  _you_.  
  
He doesn’t know. Everything feels like a mess right now. Inside his house, inside his chest.   
  
Jongin clears his throat. He’s in one of Kyungsoo’s large sweaters, and it absolutely drowns him. Kyungsoo can’t see any trace of the sexy and suave dancer who breaks hearts with his moves, but the man sitting across from him with damp hair and dark circles is still the most beautiful person Kyungsoo has ever seen. And that was enough to break his heart.   
  
“Kyungsoo,” he begins drawing his attention back to him, “I’m really,  _really_  sorry.”   
  
Kyungsoo just nods. It’s a little closed-off because he doesn’t trust his emotions or his voice at this point, but Jongin takes it as encouragement to continue.  
  
“I really am sorry for just, kissing you like that and then just, running away like I did. That was so wrong and I don’t even know what happened. I don’t know why but I was suddenly just… afraid?”  
  
 _This really is starting to feel to like a cliché romance movie,_ he thinks. _Is this the part where he forgives him?_  
  
No. Not yet.   
  
“Then why did you do it? What were you so afraid of?”  
  
Jongin startles, not expecting Kyungsoo to talk. He fumbles around for his words.  
  
“I’ve had some really bad breakups in the past and I just  _really_  didn’t want you to turn into one of them.” He pauses to take a deep breath, and Kyungsoo would like to as well, except he just  _can’t_. “I like you. I really, really like you.”  
  
 _He_  likes  _you_.  
  
Kyungsoo looks up, a knife-like stare.  
  
“What?”  
  
“I like you, Kyungsoo. I couldn’t stop thinking about you. And if you like me too… I want to try this with you. The whole boyfriend thing.” He laughs nervously.  
  
His mind is spinning. Before, he had thought of the million different ways he would confess to Jongin when he builds up enough courage, but never ever had he dreamt up the scenario where Jongin is the one confessing to  _him_.  
  
He stops to think about everything Jongin’s just said.   
  
Jongin  _likes_  him? Jongin likes  _him_?   
  
It sounds weird in his head, a fallacy, a fantasy conjured up in his weird half-sleep state. Maybe he’s eaten so little the past few days he’s actually hallucinating right now. But Jongin’s really sitting across from, looking earnest and hopeful and a little scared, like his entire life depends on Kyungsoo’s next move. Like for once he is feeling exactly what Kyungsoo has felt all along.   
  
And suddenly Kyungsoo just feels angry.   
  
 _It isn’t fair._  
  
“No.” He starts.   
  
“N-no?”  
  
“No.” He repeats. Jongin’s eyes widen and his lower lip wobbles but Kyungsoo needs to finish. He keeps his voice steady, navigating the rough ocean inside of him. “You can’t just  _do_  that to me and just – come in here expecting me to welcome you into my arms.”  
  
Jongin looks down at his hands, they’re shaking.  
  
“You didn’t even talk to me. For weeks. Why didn’t you talk to me?”  
  
Jongin is still staring at his hands, as if his eyes alone could force them to stop shaking so much. He draws his bottom lip by his teeth, but Kyungsoo could still see it tremble. He sighs.   
  
“I was scared.” Jongin whispers. “I thought that you must really have hated me, and that’s why you didn't call me. I’m sorry, I’m not trying to make excuses for myself. I just. I was scared.”  
  
 _Then why hasn't he called me? Or messaged me even._  
  
 _Oh I don’t know, maybe for the same reason_  you  _haven’t called_  him _?_  
  
“I feel so stupid.” Kyungsoo says dumbly, mostly to himself. “I’ve been so fucking stupid.”

 

Jongin panics.  
  
“I’m sorry, Kyungsoo, I really am,” he says rapidly, like he’s afraid Kyungsoo will cut in and kick him out if he doesn’t finish. His voice is so meek, and frantic, and a little thick with emotion. He speaks like this is the last chance he’ll ever have of speaking to him. “I know I should have at least said something to you. I’m so horrible, I’ve been so horrible to you this whole time. I was stupid and wrong and I hurt you. If you– if you never want to see me again, I’ll understand.”  
  
He stands up so quickly that it startles Kyungsoo.  
  
“I’m just, I’m just gonna go.”  
  
He stares at Kyungsoo for a long moment, but he doesn’t make any move to leave. Jongin has his bottom lip sucked in and his fingers hidden in the sleeves of the sweater. He shifts from one leg to the other, then back again, and Kyungsoo hears the track pants chafe and it sounds like he still hasn’t decided if he’s going to leave.  
  
And he looks so much like how Kyungsoo used to be; unsure of everything. Oh, how the tables have turned.  
  
Jongin looks down at carpeted floor, nods once, twice, and brings a sleeved hand up to wipe at his face, and at his eyes.  
  
“Okay. Okay, okay,” he says to the carpet and starts heading for the door. “I’m really sorry Kyungsoo.”  
  
He stops by the door again, and waits, and hopes, and Kyungsoo knows he isn’t innocent in this either, he’s been stupid this whole time too and he should stop being so hard on Jongin. On himself. He finally understands.  
  
“Wait.”  
  
Jongin turns around quickly, one hand still on the doorknob. He gulps.  
  
“Come here,” Kyungsoo says softly. His voice is steady with certainty. He feels like he might be faking it, but he knows he’s finally figured out what he has to do.  
  
Jongin hesitates on the spot, but slowly and surely he begins walking over. It feels like an eternity has passed by the time he’s standing in front him, one knee pressing against the couch next to his leg in hesitation. He’s looking a little weary of the empty seat beside him, a look on his face like he’s too scared to be hopeful.  
  
And Kyungsoo finally understands. It’s exactly how he’s been feeling this whole time.  
  
He sits up and before he could think things through, clasps one of Jongin’s hands and tugs – a little too rough – and makes him fall into his lap with an ‘oomph!’.  
  
“I meant to do that,” he coughs, Jongin’s wrist accidentally hitting him in the ribs. Even in his sureness, he is still so awkward.  
  
He’s now got himself caged in with Jongin’s knees on either side of his thighs, and Jongin’s hands on either side of his face. He’s flushed red, a little embarrassed, a little disbelieving and Kyungsoo can feel his face heating up too. He sees Jongin’s throat move as he swallows.  
  
He has no idea what he’s doing, but then again, when has he ever? He’s just going to roll with this one. He hopes it works out this time.  
  
He pulls Jongin closer, hands fisting into the sweater, and sits him down on his lap properly. Jongin brings his hands up slowly to rest on his shoulders, as if he still can’t quite believe what’s happening.  
  
And Kyungsoo doesn’t know why he’s doing this either, when they could just talk like normal people, sit on the couch like normal people, but the temptation to have Jongin close to him is just too much.   
  
He’s standing on the edge of a cliff again, but this time he wants to dive right over.  
  
 _I really, really like you._  
  
His hands creep under the sweater, and with experimental touches, he holds Jongin. His fingers dance on his back, and his skin is so hot under his touch that he’s almost afraid Jongin’s got a fever. But Jongin is breathing heavily right in front on him, right on his face, and he knows it’s not really that kind of fever, because he’s probably just as hot as he is.   
  
“You okay?” He asks for good measure.   
  
Jongin nods, his mouth slightly open. He falls forward in the next second, so that his forehead rests on the exposed skin of Kyungsoo’s collarbone. One of his hands come down too, now resting on the Kyungsoo’s waist.   
  
His breathing falters at this but he starts to move his hand all the way up along Jongin’s spine, from his tailbone to just below his neck, and then back down again. He presses the bumps on his back, the bone jutting out prominently with the way Jongin’s bending over.   
  
Jongin exhales, shaky but content. He is so expressive.   
  
Kyungsoo halts his movements, holds Jongin in place with one hand on his back and tugs his face away from his shoulder and closer to his face. They stare at each other for a moment, for a long time, for eternity, and it’s only the two of them in the whole universe. There’s no noise, no rain, no nothing; just the sound of their breaths struggling to keep steady.   
  
Jongin bites his lip slowly and something in him just  _snaps_.   
  
Kyungsoo sees his eyes closing, like he just  _knows_  what’s about to happen. He grips the back of Jongin’s neck and pulls him close, and doesn’t hesitate anymore. He kisses him like he’s always wanted to, hard and soft, push and pull, and it’s so much better than the last time, and so much better than he could have ever imagined.   
  
Jongin’s kissing him so eagerly, head slanting slightly and lips moving fast and hard, leaving no room for him to breathe. It’s a bit messy, they’re both trying to figure out the other’s rhythm, and there’s too much passion between them and Kyungsoo’s beginning to sweat under his clothes. His toes curl when Jongin swipes his tongue across his bottom lip and he just manages to tug on his hair so he could take the lead.   
  
He wants to take his time. Jongin’s lips fall open and Kyungsoo lets his tongue wander, deepening the kiss. He licks the inside of his mouth, behind his teeth, and Jongin nearly  _melts_ , bringing his hands up cup Kyungsoo’s face like he’s trying to keep himself rooted in reality. Kyungsoo tilts his head a little and their noses bump, and he hugs Jongin’s closer to his body, so close that there’s no longer any space between them.  
  
He’s waited so long for this. So Kyungsoo just kisses him some more, and more and more and more till Jongin feels like he can’t breathe.   
  
“Oh my god?” Jongin breaks away and gasps. He looks disheveled but he’s got a smile growing on his face at last. This time he’s allowed to kiss that smile. Kyungsoo leaves small kisses around his mouth, giving him time to catch his breath. He tries to stop kissing him, he knows he should probably take a breather as well but he finds that he just  _can’t_.  
  
He wants to kiss him and see him at the same time but he doesn’t know how to do that so instead he listens to Jongin take shuddering breaths as he leaves a sloppy trail of kisses along his jaw, and down the column of his neck. There’s one spot, just where his collarbone connects with his neck, that gets Jongin writhing on his lap and he focuses all his attention there. He starts sucking and biting, hard and then soft, leaving behind bruising kisses that turn Jongin into an incoherent mess.   
  
“I took like– ah, five Buzzfeed quizzes to figure out if you liked me back.”  
  
“What?”  
  
“N-nothing,” he gasps. “Just keep going – don’t stop.”  
  
 _Of course I like you back_ , he wanted to say, but he’s afraid if he says that out loud, Jongin would run off again. He doesn’t know what prompted Jongin to come back here now, but he doesn’t want him to go away and go back to the same routine of staring at his blank walls and pitying himself.   
  
He doesn’t know how Jongin’s never realised just how much he’s liked him this whole time. He knows the effect he has on Kyungsoo; he  _has_  to know.   
  
But then he remembers. He remembers the crestfallen look he’d been trying to hide every time he says ‘your _dancing_ is amazing’ instead of ‘ _you’re_  amazing’; how he had pushed him aside instead of talking to him when they had almost kissed.   
  
He hopes he can kiss a few sorry’s into his lips right now. They’ll talk later, of course. Just not now. They’re busy right now.   
  
“You’re not off the hook yet,” he says instead, kissing his back way up Jongin’s neck. He sucks on the corner of his jaw.  _God_  how long he’s waited to do this. Jongin shivers in response.   
  
“I know,” he agrees.   
  
“We still have a lot to talk about,” he murmurs. Kyungsoo toys with the hem of the sweater Jongin’s wearing – he belatedly remembers that it’s  _his_  sweater – before dipping under and splaying his fingers on his back again. His fingers are already starting to feel like they belong there.   
  
They’re not going to make up just by kissing, even Kyungsoo knows that’s not how it works.   
  
“After this?”  
  
“After this,” Kyungsoo agrees, leaning up to kiss him on the mouth again.   
  
Their kisses are not gentle. There’s biting and tugging and pulling and Kyungsoo feels like he is absolutely suffocating in the best way possible. His mind is still a bit hazy, but he feels an undeniable sense of clarity in this moment. All he feels is Jongin, all he sees is Jongin, all he smells, all he touches and breathes in is Jongin and yet he still can’t get enough. He kisses hard enough to tell Jongin everything he has been too afraid to say out loud,  _I really, really like you too_.  
  
Kyungsoo kisses for all the days they didn’t speak to each other and Jongin pours his entire soul into his lips. He is kissed back as if Jongin’s life depends on this moment, on the hands curled into fists in Kyungsoo’s hair, on the scorching hot skin pressing up against his own.  
  
They’re already so close, but Jongin moves just closer, shifts in his lap till their crotches align and he starts moving his hips, tentative at first, but soon picking up in speed. Kyungsoo groans, loud into his mouth. Jongin swallows it up with his own moan, soft but urgent. His underwear starts to feel tighter and _tighter_ , and Kyungsoo thinks he’s already lost his mind.  
  
He takes control again. Jongin gasps into his mouth when he shifts their positions. He’s surprised to find that Jongin is not heavy at all as he lifts him. He wraps his legs around Kyungsoo’s waist on instinct, rests his elbows on the other’s shoulders and keeps kissing him. Kyungsoo’s grip on his thighs tighten till he’s practically squeezing them but he keeps him secure and gently lays him down on the couch. He kneels on the couch, with Jongin’s legs clasped together on his back. His hands run up and down Jongin’s side and he sighs.   
  
He molds his body into Jongin’s then and pushes him against the couch roughly. He feels him wince a little bit before he giggles “ _remote control_ ” into his lips.  
  
“Shit. Sorry, baby,” he says mindlessly, bringing a hand to the small of his back to rub at the soreness.   
  
“Baby?” Jongin laughs breathily and pulls away to look at him. He looks so happy. “I like that.”  
  
“Just testing it out,” Kyungsoo says, smiling before  _really_  apologising with another searing kiss that has Jongin whimpering and desperately grabbing on to the ends of Kyungsoo’s sweater, the dull pain on his back long forgotten.  
  
Kyungsoo presses his lips against his neck, the sharp edge of his jaw, the sensitive spot behind his ear. Jongin makes a sound that's trapped halfway between a moan and a giggle, and it's both the cutest and the filthiest sound he's ever heard.  
  
“Warm,” Jongin gasps. “Too warm. Please.”  
  
He thinks with his hands as he grabs onto the hem of Jongin’s sweater and pushes it up, dragging his hands along his chest as he goes. Jongin is more than eager to comply, raising his arms up to get rid of the clothing.   
  
This is the first time Kyungsoo’s ever seen his bare torso and he just stops. He stops everything and sits back on his knees so he could just stop and stare. Jongin sits up on his elbows, worried.  
  
“Kyungsoo?”  
  
He reminds himself to breathe.   
  
Jongin looks deeply disheveled, hair mussed up and lips spit-slick and swollen, a light bruise blooming on the side of his neck and his bronzed skin on full display.   
  
“You’re so beautiful,” he whispers.   
  
Jongin draws in a quick breath like he’s hearing the truth for the first time. That he isn't just beautiful when he dances. He sits up fully and pulls Kyungsoo close.  
  
“Bedroom, please.”  
  
Kyungsoo nods, dazed. He stands up and pulls Jongin up with him. He isn’t sure if his legs can carry him to his bed, let alone help him hold up Jongin’s weight too.   
  
Their hands clasp together, fingers interlocking as Kyungsoo drags him. Even in his urgency to locate his room, he thinks about how  _right_  this feels, to have Jongin’s hand in his, and how much better it is knowing that Jongin actually wanted him back.   
  
He switches the light on and pulls Jongin in all in one go. He looks disdainfully at his unmade bed for a second, before shrugging. It was still clean, but he hopes Jongin doesn’t care too much about personal hygiene.  
  
Jongin comes up behind him and drapes himself on his back, kissing him on the side of his neck and Kyungsoo forgets for a moment what he was even about to do. He pulls him around by their still entwined hands, and pushes him on the bed.   
  
Jongin’s back hits the bed with an  _oof_ , but he isn’t complaining. He crawls back and leans against the headboard and watches Kyungsoo watching him. Kyungsoo thinks for the millionth time that he looks  _so beautiful_ , his chest rising and falling heavily, and he’s going to show it to him tonight.   
  
Kyungsoo pulls his own sweater over his head and tosses it to some far corner of his room. Jongin’s face isn’t what he expected. He’s so pale next to him, but Jongin looks at him like he can’t get enough, can’t tear his eyes away, and it’s so strange because that’s exactly how  _he_  feels.  
  
He pulls his sweatpants down too. They were starting to feel too hot and too unnecessary, and he’s left alone in his too tight underwear for Jongin to see. And Jongin rakes his eyes all the way down and back up, and again, and again till he starts to beg with his stare and Kyungsoo starts moving.   
  
Kyungsoo knees the mattress before grabbing one of Jongin’s ankles and pulls so that he slides down and is resting his head on the pillows. He climbs over him, taking his time to drag his hand up the length of Jongin’s long legs. He parts them involuntarily, letting Kyungsoo settle between them so that he’s hovering again.   
  
“You’re so, so beautiful Jongin.” He thinks he’s saying it to Jongin, but it feels like it’s more to himself. Jongin is beautiful. Jongin is the most beautiful boy he’s ever seen. Jongin’s mouth opens slightly, like he can’t trust himself to breathe normally.   
  
Kyungsoo brings a hand up to his face, and begins tracing with thumb. His fingers glide over the button nose, feels his high cheekbones, caresses his lips, his chin, his jaw, everything he’s wanted to touch since the day he first saw him. He pushes the hair back from his forehead and dips down to press a chaste kiss on it.  
  
“Please, Kyungsoo.”   
  
Kyungsoo feels his breath hit the side of his neck and gives in, moving down to Jongin’s lips to capture them in a kiss. This one’s a lot slower, and Kyungsoo wants it to be slower. He kisses him slow and hard and deep and  _deeper_ , and Jongin starts to get restless under him. He moves his hips up again desperate for some kind of friction, and Kyungsoo gives in, meeting his thrusts with his own.   
  
Kyungsoo moans, scrunches his eyes shut and holds Jongin down by his hips so he could grind slowly onto him. He doesn’t want to come too soon. He finally has Jongin, so he’s going to take his time. And Jongin just sobs in response, clawing at Kyungsoo to  _please please please move faster_ , and Kyungsoo just kisses him over and over.   
  
“You’re so perfect Jongin,” he whispers on his lips, kisses him on his jaw, “so perfect, and responsive. I want to kiss you all the time.”  
  
“Kyungsoo  _please_. Oh god.”  
  
Kyungsoo is half-hard, and hearing Jongin’s voice so wrecked just makes him harder still and it’s starting to become uncomfortable in his briefs but he really wants to take his time. And Jongin was getting more impatient with every second that passes sobbing and pulling at Kyungsoo’s hair as he struggles to push up onto him. And Kyungsoo hasn’t really even touched him yet.  
  
Kyungsoo is still holding him down by his hips when he starts kissing Jongin down his throat. There’s droplets of sweat gathered in the hollow of his collarbone and he licks it up, wanting to taste every bit of him. He feels Jongin shake under him, groaning.  
  
“You’re beautiful Jongin. You taste so good.”   
  
Jongin’s just  _gone_. And Kyungsoo doesn't know how he’s keeping his cool either, he just knows that he wants to make Jongin feel good, he wants Jongin to know how beautiful he is.   
  
His kisses move south, along the hard muscles of Jongin’s chest. He changes them between feather-light and barely there, to hot wet trails that follow the lines of his muscles as they contract.  
  
Jongin starts to palm himself through the sweatpants sighing as he receives some form of relief. It’s short-lived though; Kyungsoo grasps him around his wrist and brings his hand up so it rests next to his head.  
  
“Oh my  _god_  Kyungsoo what are you doing?”   
  
“Are you going to behave, Jongin?”   
  
Jongin whimpers at his tone, at the way he’s looking at him, at the way he’s gripping his wrist so tight, and Kyungsoo doesn’t know where it’s coming from either, this sudden dominance. He really just wanted to take his time. He spreads Jongin’s fingers out with his and lets them entangle.   
  
“Good,” he whispers, sucking a dusky nipple into his mouth. Jongin grips on his hand tightly and Kyungsoo knows he’s doing something right when he circles his tongue around the nub. He keeps sucking, and bites the tip just a little. Kyungsoo looks up through his lashes to see Jongin with his eyes scrunched up and a fist in his mouth and he smiles around the nipple and kisses it one last time before coming up to kiss the side of Jongin’s jaw.   
  
“You’re so good. So pretty.”  
  
Once the compliments start, he can’t really stop them. He wants Jongin to know just how beautiful Kyungsoo thinks he is. And god, he is gorgeous.  
  
“So pretty,” he kisses his stomach, dips his tongue in his navel. “My pretty boy.”  
  
“Yours,” Jongin gasps.  
  
Kyungsoo sees the wet patch that’s formed in the front of Jongin’s track pants –belatedly remembering once again that they’re actually  _his_  – and takes pity on him. He hooks his fingers around the waistband, and watches as Jongin grapples with the bed sheets. He can’t believe he did all this. He feels his cock throb and he thinks he has the greatest self control in the  _world_  to be able to hold back for as long as he has.   
  
He slowly pulls the pants down. Jongin never borrowed any of his underwear, so he’s naked underneath, and Kyungsoo didn’t even realise how hot that was till right now.  
  
Kyungsoo almost gets hits in the face when Jongin’s length springs up from its confines, and he almost laughs if it wasn’t for the sighs of relief he hears from Jongin. He has a pretty cock, not quite as big as his own but thicker, veiny. It curves against Jongin’s stomach, leaking. Kyungsoo kisses just near the base, not quite were you’d want to be kissed, and Jongin makes a frustrated noise that Kyungsoo chuckles at openly this time. He pulls the pants all the way down past his ankles, and throws it away.   
  
For the second time that night, Kyungsoo sits back on his heels to look at Jongin.   
  
“You are so fucking perfect, Jongin,” he says. “So pretty.”  
  
“For you,” Jongin gulps. “Pretty for you.”  
  
His eyes roam every inch of him. There’s receding tan lines near his arms and his ankles barely visible under Jongin’s warm flush. There’s beauty spots dusting his body in various places in various patterns, all over his legs to his stomach, barely visible under the light sheen of sweat.   
  
His legs are spread out, and they look longer and slimmer than they do when he’s got pants on, but his thighs are really nice. His thighs are thick.   
  
He is so perfect.   
  
Jongin’s looking at him, at his face, begging with his eyes. His lips are glossy with saliva, his own or Kyungsoo’s, or maybe even a mix of both. His feet start to turn inwards and Kyungsoo has to physically stop the movement with his hands. He keeps his eyes locked on Jongin’s as he bends down to trace kisses from his toes. He kisses the insides of his ankles, kisses and bites his each of his calves. He stops at his knees.  
  
He has really,  _really_  nice thighs.  
  
He moves closer so that he’s sitting between his legs.   
  
Kyungsoo squeezes the thick flesh in both of his hands before releasing it, leaving temporary white imprints in their place. It fascinates him, how Jongin’s skin responds to his touches. He couldn't take his eyes off of him, couldn't tear his gaze away from the perfect body under him, obedient and panting. He presses tentative kisses to the fading marks, and feels Jongin quake under him. His entire body is covered in a pretty flush, and his skin is so, so warm.  
  
“Hurry up,  _please_  Kyungsoo just please do something please.” Jongin’s voice is rising in volume and it’s so whiney. Kyungsoo feels himself losing his mind.  
  
“Shh, baby I’ve got you.”  
  
Kyungsoo lifts one of his legs cautiously, hooking it over his shoulder. He is completely exposed now. Kyungsoo brings a hand up and experimentally smacks Jongin’s ass, watching it jiggle.  _Oh_. He gulps and smacks it again, and again, and Jongin looks like he’s about to cry at this point, so he leans down and kisses the red marks appearing on his cheeks.   
  
Kyungsoo’s grown so addicted to kissing Jongin. He opens his mouth wide as he kisses and bites the back of his thighs to his ass and back again, steering clear of the one place Jongin wants his mouth on. He starts leaving behind glistening red marks, skin wet with his saliva.   
  
Jongin whines and cries out in frustration and Kyungsoo finally,  _finally_  gives in.   
  
He lifts Jongin’s other leg up, marvels at his flexibility for a moment before placing his wet lips on Jongin’s puckered hole.   
  
“Ah!” Jongin gasps, and his back arches immediately.   
  
Kyungsoo has never done  _this_  before, so he just has to go along with his gut. He flattens his tongue against the rim, switching between remaining stationary and lapping hungrily at the hole. Jongin seems to like this,  _really_  like this, and he starts making pretty little sounds, breathy and finally satisfied as he lets pleased sighs and happy little ‘oh’s fall from his lips. He drags his tongue out, all the way from his hole up to the base of his balls, sucking lightly and coming back down.   
  
He wants to taste more of Jongin, he wants to see how much he would react to his touches, so he pushes his tongue in slightly and curls it against Jongin’s walls.   
  
“Oh my – fuck, Kyungsoo fuck that feels so, so good.”  
  
He continues kissing and sucking on the tight ring of muscles, tonguing in and around it. He feels the muscles contract around his tongue, and he hums in appreciation. His hands find their way down to cup Jongin’s ass, squeezing it and holding his cheeks apart so he gets better access.   
  
A hand grips his hair and tugs harshly, and it stings a little but Kyungsoo thinks he’s never been so turned on in his life. He  _likes_  this pain. Jongin starts to rotate his hips and grind down into Kyungsoo’s tongue, and Kyungsoo is all too happy to let him. He lets go of Jongin’s ass and starts touching himself through his underwear. He’s fully hard by now.   
  
“Kyungsoo Kyungsoo Kyungsoo  _oh_.”  
  
God, his voice sounded absolutely ruined. Kyungsoo wrapped both his arms around Jongin’s hips and dragged his mouth away. With great difficulty, Kyungsoo admits. He wouldn’t mind eating Jongin’s ass for the rest of his life.   
  
He wipes his mouth and licks his lips. He takes a good look at Jongin’s wet eyes and pushes him down on the bed.  
  
“Be a good boy,” he says before he gets up. Jongin cries at the loss of contact.  
  
He goes to his adjoining bathroom, walking made difficult with his painful erection. He finds a bottle of lube in one of the cabinets, a bit old but not off, definitely usable. Kyungsoo grabs it hastily and goes back to find Jongin with one hand pulling his hair and the other fisted around his cock. Holy shit.   
  
“This is not being a good boy,” he comments. He tries to sound confident and reproaching but his voice cracks a little at the sight of Jongin on his bed.  
  
Jongin hadn’t noticed him till now and immediately stops touching himself.   
  
“I’m sorry, you were just taking so long.” He looks like he’s really about to cry. He pouts and Kyungsoo just  _loses_  it.   
  
He tosses the bottle on the bed and shimmies out of his briefs in one quick movement. Kyungsoo closes his eyes and sighs out, relief washing over him when he can finally let his cock breathe. He tugs at it a bit more, throwing his head back as he brings himself back to full hardness.   
  
“Oh my god,” Jongin’s voice draws his attention. He’s looking at him, at all of him. “You’re. Wow.”   
  
Kyungsoo blushes a little and walks his way over, hand still wrapped around his dick. He jumps back on the bed making Jongin bounce a little on the mattress. He giggles and Kyungsoo is suddenly overwhelmed with so much joy. He smiles widely.   
  
He positions himself between one of his thighs, and moves to kiss him on the mouth. And maybe it’s a bit unsanitary but Jongin doesn’t seem to care.   
  
He’s too focused on making out with Jongin, so he blindly searches for the discarded bottle on the bed. He finds it, eventually, and breaks out of the kiss to uncap the bottle and spread some of the jelly-like substance on his fingers.   
  
Jongin is much too impatient now as he hooks one arm around Kyungsoo’s neck while the other sneaks it’s way down to his cock. Kyungsoo shudders as he flicks his wrist up and down, movements full of purpose. Kyungsoo rocks his hips into his hand and groans. Jongin feels so, so good. He brings his forehead to rest on Jongin’s, and he isn’t sure if that’s his sweat or Jongin’s but suddenly everything just feels too hot.   
  
“Jongin, stop,” he pants, not really wanting Jongin to stop.   
  
He obeys anyway. It must have been something in his voice, but he leans up to kiss him again. Kyungsoo kisses his back, with as much force as he can, and takes his lubed fingers down to Jongin’s ass. He circles the rim a few times, warming Jongin up, and slides his middle finger in.   
  
Jongin is taking it well, moans slightly into his mouth, but doesn’t do anything else that would indicate he has a finger in his ass. Kyungsoo pushes it in and out slowly, and feels the muscles clamp down on it greedily.   
  
“I don’t have condoms, sorry.”  
  
“That’s okay.”  
  
“I won’t come inside you,” he adds another finger.   
  
“Yeah, yeah – god! Yeah, that’s okay.”  
  
Kyungsoo kisses the side of his opened mouth, at the small trail of drool spilling out. The two fingers scissor inside of him, stretching him open slowly. Kyungsoo starts kissing down the side of his neck, and soon adds a third finger.   
  
Jongin pants, and starts rutting down on his fingers, trying to get as much of them in him as he can. Kyungsoo curls them and drags them along his walls and Jongin keens at the sensation.   
  
He sucks on Jongin’s collarbone while he prods and stretches him out with his fingers and searches for that one spot. The tips of his fingers finally scratch the spongy surface inside him and Jongin arches his back and moans so loud he’s sure to wake the neighbours. He keeps pressing on that spot, alternating between massaging it and poking it gently, making Jongin’s toes curl and eyes water.   
  
“I’m ready, I’m ready Kyungsoo please  _please_  just fuck me,  _please_.”  
  
“Okay, baby,” he pulls his fingers out slowly, and watches Jongin’s hole clench at the air. “ _Shit_.”  
  
He squirts some more of the lube on his palm and starts rubbing it along his length, spreading it from the base to the tip. He sighs in pleasure when his palm circles the tip and smears most of the lube there with his precum. Jongin watches him hungrily.  
  
“Lie down for me,” he urges, and Jongin is a little sluggish but quick to obey. He looks up at Kyungsoo expectantly as he positions himself between his legs. Kyungsoo brings his cock-tip close to Jongin’s entrance and pushes in slightly.   
  
Jongin takes in deep breaths as he continues to slowly push in and pull back out. He pushes in again; this time has half of his cock sheathed in Jongin’s heat when he falters. He picks up the other’s thighs and brings him closer to his body, so that the lower part of his back is no longer touching the mattress.   
  
“Are you sure you want to do this?” He asks, just to make sure. Or maybe it’s to reassure himself that this is really happening.   
  
“Kyungsoo, I swear to go–  _oh_.”   
  
Kyungsoo enters him in one swift movement. God he is so  _tight_.   
  
He stops for a moment and lets Jongin adjust. Kyungsoo readjusts Jongin’s legs so they’re hooked around his torso. The little friction causes Jongin’s eyes to screw shut and his hands to start clawing at whatever parts of Kyungsoo’s body he can reach. Kyungsoo leans down and brushes his hair away from his forehead and whispers sweet things in his ear. He places kittenish kisses all over his face.   
  
Minutes pass before he starts to visibly calm down.   
  
“What the hell, you’re so  _big_  Kyungsoo,” Jongin is saying whatever came to his mind, and Kyungsoo’s stomach tightens. He is just  _gone_.  
  
“You feel amazing, Jongin,” he reassures him with more kisses. “You’re taking me so well.”  
  
Jongin hums and stretches his body. Kyungsoo salivates at the sight of all that tanned skin and grips his thighs tighter. He waits for Jongin’s word to start moving.   
  
“Mmm, okay. Please move Kyungsoo.”  
  
He starts rocking into Jongin slowly, making them both sigh together. He moves his hand up and down the side of Jongin’s slim body, thumb dipping into his abdominals, fingers tweaking his nipples. His other hand finds Jongin’s and he holds it in place, beside Jongin’s head.   
  
He feels Jongin all around him and it’s so hot and so amazing, and Kyungsoo just wants to do this for the rest of his life.   
  
“Faster,  _please_  Kyungsoo please,” he begs like he wants to be fucked open.   
  
“I’ve got you.” He leans over, brings his other hand next to Jongin’s head so he’s caging him in. “I’ve got you.”  
  
He leans down and pecks one last sweet kiss, before he picks up his pace, and fucks into Jongin hard and fast. Jongin keens at the sensation of being filled like this, being pounded into like this and his back arches and legs slip down Kyungsoo’s back as he tries to stay sane. Kyungsoo groans and pounds harder, droplets of sweat dewing in his hair and on his brows.   
  
Kyungsoo feels a familiar tightness coil in his belly, and he thinks  _shit_  because this can’t end now, not this soon. Jongin is just so tight, so good.   
  
He swaps his pace for a slower one, hooks one of Jongin’s legs over his shoulder, and the new angle has Jongin screaming out, and tearing at his bed spread. It’s much deeper, and the head of his cock touches that spot again and his slow thrusts have Jongin trembling and moaning.  
  
“Mmmm, right there oh god fuck,  _faster_  Kyungsoo, faster please,” he begs, and there’s tears of frustration and pleasure wetting his eyes. He leaves small kisses on the other’s thighs. He feels Jongin’s fingers grip onto his tightly, sure to cut off his circulation if he doesn’t speed up again and give him what he wants.   
  
His grip on Jongin’s leg tightens and he starts driving his cock as fast and hard and deep as he can and Jongin moans loud, unintelligible things into his pillow. “Kiss me kiss me kiss me, Kyungsoo kiss me please,” he begs, his free hand searching for his member.   
  
Kyungsoo gives in, leaning forward without breaking his pace and thanking god for Jongin’s flexibility because he’s practically bent in half. He kisses the the small ‘o’ of Jongin’s mouth, slipping his tongue in to dance with his. He whines loud in response, and Kyungsoo just swallows it all up.   
  
“I’m gonna, oh my god!” His words get eaten up by Kyungsoo’s kisses and he feels Jongin clench around him tight. It becomes too warm and it feels so good, and Kyungsoo doesn’t stop thrusting. He watches Jongin’s hand move rapidly up and down the length of his cock, and then he’s coming, in spurts of white all of his stomach.   
  
 _Holy shit._  
  
Jongin’s still shaking and tightening around him and Kyungsoo feels like he’s about to lose his mind soon as well. The heat in the pit of his stomach unfurls, and he pulls out at the last moment and replaces Jongin’s heat with his hand. He sees Jongin sit up slightly and watch him, face completely blissed out and he groans as he comes, in ropes of white that splatter and mix in with Jongin’s cum.  
  
He closes his eyes and stops to catch his breath for a moment, but Jongin has other plans. He pulls him down by their connected hands, and Kyungsoo gives in and plops down next to him.   
  
Jongin lets out a soft ‘ow’ when he lands on top of his leg, but recovers in the next moment to wrap his other leg around Kyungsoo. He looks so happy like this, eyes slightly puffy, lips bruised and skin flushed. Post-sex Jongin is so beautiful.   
  
Kyungsoo reaches behind him for the tissues and starts cleaning Jongin up. He tries to avoid getting on his bed, he knows that shits hard to get rid of. He tosses the tissues aside when he’s done and hopes Jongin doesn’t think he has poor hygiene practices. He’s just too lazy and too happy at the moment.  
  
“I think I’m going to be sore for a few days,” Jongin says, tone light.   
  
“That won’t be a problem, will it?”  
  
“Well, my audition is next week, so I hope not.”   
  
“I guess no sex till then,” Kyungsoo says with a raised brow. Jongin pouts but laughs after. Kyungsoo reaches out to play with his hair. It feels a bit weird to be able to do this freely now. But his chest feels full and he can’t stop the smile from spreading on his face. “We still have a lot to talk about, Jongin.”  
  
Jongin nods. Kyungsoo tries to get up, but Jongin covers them both with his blanket.   
  
“Go to sleep!” Jongin laughs, trapping him with his arm as well. He sounded tired, but so happy. And Kyungsoo is happy as well. So happy.  
  
“Jongin, no wait,” Kyungsoo’s laughing now, trying to heave him off. “Wait! Ah– I need to take my contacts out.”  
  
But Kyungsoo just falls back on the bed, and gives up trying to fight him off. He smiles, happy.  
  
 

* * *

  
  
**Bonus:**  
  
Jongin gets a call three weeks later with good news.  _Great_  news.  
  
And Kyungsoo’s happy, of course he is, but he can’t help but feel shattered at the same time. It’s hard not to drown in Jongin’s excitement, his infectious laugh. He’s happy and proud and also devastated.   
  
(And Baekhyun’s happy to find that Kyungsoo is significantly less grumpy around people now that he’s “finally got laid!”. He gets punched in the throat again.)  
  
“This is just for six months,” Jongin says, kissing him slowly, “who knows, I might not even like it.”  
  
Kyungsoo scoffs at this. He toys with the choker around Jongin’s neck and kisses right under it.   
  
“Please. You’re going to love it.” He’s a little sad, but he doesn’t want to hold him back. “And we can make this work. Just don’t kiss anyone else while you’re away.”  
  
It’s Jongin’s turn to scoff. “I would never.”  
  
Six months doesn’t seem like a long time, and Kyungsoo would be busy with school and Jongin with dance, but he knows it’s going to feel like a lifetime. They’ve only been together for three weeks and now they’re going to have to stay apart for another twenty-six.  
  
Kyungsoo is trying to savour every moment he has left with Jongin before he leaves, where he can see him everyday, hear him everyday, touch him everyday. Jongin has the same idea. They haven’t had sex since the first time, opting to make out heavily and touching occasionally and talking a lot more. And they’ve got a lot to talk about, still.   
  
They’re on Kyungsoo’s couch, with Kyungsoo hovering over Jongin’s form. Kyungsoo’s teeth run over his boyfriend’s jaw, nibbling lightly and thumbing the choker. Jongin breathes heavily, trying to stay sane. Kyungsoo is pretty much in the same state. Jongin makes it so,  _so_  hard for him.  
  
Kyungsoo’s feels his short hair being tugged, and he is completely caught off-guard when Jongin breathes out, “you should film me sucking you off.”  
  
“W-what?”  
  
He backs up so he can give Jongin some space to sit up. And Jongin smiles sweetly as he does, a vicious contrast to his suggestive statement. He leans close to peck kisses on the lips of a  _very_  stunned Kyungsoo.  
  
“It’ll be,”  _kiss_ , “my parting gift.”  
  
“What?”  
  
“Just something to remember me by?”  
  
Kyungsoo is too shocked to reply. The gears in his head turn, trying to register what Jongin said.   
  
“But, I have so many videos of you already,” he says unsurely.  
  
“Do you not want to do it?” Jongin pouts. Kyungsoo can feel his blood rush south just at the thought of having those lips around him. And then seeing them go down on him over and over and over. He pictures himself watching Jongin on his laptop, on his phone, while he sits in his bed, in his bathroom, and Jongin’s miles away but right in front of him.   
  
He felt an uncomfortable tightness in is jeans.   
  
“I, I mean yeah I want to. Sure. But aren’t you uncomfortable in front of the camera?” He sucks his lips in with his teeth. His hands find Jongin’s unconsciously, and plays with his fingers.   
  
“Not when I know who’s watching.” He slinks closer.   
  
“I– mmph!” Jongin kisses him, and it’s a little sloppy and wet but to Kyungsoo, it’s perfect. Like Jongin’s lips were made to kiss his. “M’kay.”  
  
He stands up and pulls Jongin up with him, leading him by hand to his bedroom, where his film equipment is stashed.   
  
“Whoa, I thought we were just going to film from your phone but… alright.” Jongin smirks, while Kyungsoo turns his camera on and checks the battery and settings.   
  
“I’m not about that life,” he mutters to himself.  
  
While Kyungsoo fiddles around with the settings, he doesn’t notice that Jongin has already slid down to his knees. He feels a slight pressure against his growing bulge and gasps, throwing his head back against the wall.   
  
“ _God_ , Jongin, at least wait till I’ve turned this thing on.”  
  
“Can’t I turn  _you_  on in the meantime?” He barely registers Jongin’s voice through the cloudy haze in his mind.   
  
He has enough sense left in him to adjust all the settings and peers through the small screen at the scene before him.   
  
And  _holy shit_.   
  
Jongin is on his knees, looking up at him with big, innocent eyes. He knows it’s probably an act, Jongin isn’t as naïve as he lets on, but he looks younger and more innocent with the material around his neck. He has both his hands on Kyungsoo’s thighs, and he slowly brings them up.   
  
Jongin pushes him flat against the wall by his hips, and presses his nose into his crotch. Kyungsoo groans, trying to keep his hands still. Jongin pulls away, put clasps the zipper with his teeth and tugs it down, down, all the way down and never breaks eye contact.  
  
He looks at Kyungsoo with the most sensual gaze, and Kyungsoo knows he’s already hard and leaking and ready to be devoured. Jongin pops the button off and tugs his pants down up to his thighs, leaving him in with only his boxers covering him. Kyungsoo thanks himself for wearing a t-shirt today instead of his usual sweaters. Nothing is being covered from his view.  
  
Jongin is so slow and precise with his movements; it’s torture. He licks Kyungsoo through the material, gripping on his thighs and suckling on one spot. He breaks away and admires the wetness he’s left behind, and at the trembling legs Kyungsoo tries to steady.   
  
He looks up, devilish smirk on his lips as he tugs his boxers down with his teeth.   
  
“Ohmygod Jongin,” he breathes. His voice doesn’t even sound like his own, he just sounds so needy and frustrated already.   
  
“Payback,” Jongin whispers hotly against his balls. He smirks wider as he takes one into his mouth and feels it around with his tongue. Kyungsoo hisses and the camera shakes. He watches Jongin through the lens as he strokes his cock and mouths his balls, and he didn't think something like this could be so hot.   
  
Jongin pushes his dick up and holds against his stomach. His hand replaces his mouth as he plays with Kyungsoo’s balls, groping them with his fingers with a steadily increasing pressure. He licks a fat strip up the underside of Kyungsoo’s member, pressing against the veins.   
  
He reaches the tip, and he finally,  _finally_ , swallows him up. Jongin spreads his thick lips over the head, looking up at the camera and  _winking_  before bobbing his head down and taking him in.   
  
Kyungsoo has to steady himself with a hand against the wall behind him, and focuses really hard on not dropping the camera. That would be a disastrous. Instead he focuses on the way Jongin hums around his dick as he takes in as much as he can, on the way Jongin rubs circles into his hips with his thumbs and the way Jongin licks and hollows his cheeks and makes everything feel so, so good.   
  
Jongin only takes in a little more than half of his cock, the rest of it fitting in his hand. Maybe when he comes back, he’ll have to teach Jongin how to take in all of him.  
  
Kyungsoo starts to thrust shallowly into his mouth, and Jongin accepts, slacking his jaw so he can take in more. One particularly deep thrust has him gagging, and Jongin has to physically stop Kyungsoo’s hips from moving forward because he just  _can’t_.   
  
Kyungsoo brushes away Jongin’s sweaty bangs, and clutches onto the tresses, if anything but to hold on to his sanity. Jongin’s bobbing speeds up, and his mouth squeezes around his length and Kyungsoo knows he’s about to lose it.   
  
“Jongin– god, Jongin I’m about to–“  
  
Jongin pulls out at the last moment and pumps him fast, squeezing him with the most delicious pressure. And Jongin looks so hot like this, on his knees for him, and he just comes straight into Jongin’s hand and all over his face. Jongin manages to close his eyes at the last moment, but continues stroking his dick, prolonging Kyungsoo’s orgasm.   
  
Kyungsoo takes several deep breaths and laughs.  
  
“Holy  _shit_.” He leans his head back against the wall for a second, but then remembers the camera that’s still rolling and Jongin who’s still kneeling.  
  
He looks down at Jongin, and he looks more affected than he wants to let on. So he hooks two fingers under the thick velvet band wrapped around his neck and drags him up. Jongin stumbles a little in his haste to stand up.  
  
He stops recording and sets the camera aside. He’s going to take care of Jongin now, so he’ll just have to watch it later. He’s sure it’s going to be his favourite video of Jongin yet.    
  
  
  
  


 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> End note: the song Jongin dances to is Mad by Solange. And yes, Jongin doesn’t swallow because he is vegan.
> 
>  
> 
> End note x2: thank you to everyone who's read/ left kudos/ commented hehe. it means a lot to me, so thank you thank you thank yooouuu!! if you want to be friends, or fangirl about kaisoo/exo, or anything else my dms are always open ♡ ♡  stay tuned for more fics in the works! :> mama chrissy over n out


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